I Want a Man Who Wants to Be Rubbed By Me (The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap)



It’s time, after a longer than originally anticipated break, I’m back to guide you through the trials and tribulations that I’m sure we will encounter during this season of The Bachelor.  As always, the premiere episode opens up with a little “get to know the bachelor” video package.  For Juan Pablo this basically just consists of reminding the viewer over and over again that he is a single father.  The producers also throw in some shots of Juan Pablo running down the beach shirtless, and then it’s time to get serious.


The show brings in the most recent, and to this point most successful former Bachelor, Sean Lowe (decked out in a lovely blue polka dot shirt and some very tight pants), to give Juan Pablo some advice on handing the women.  Sean tells Juan Pablo the most important thing is to keep an open mind throughout the process, and not to try to decide too early on who you think the perfect person will be.  Sean lets Juan Pablo know that all kissing should be done out of sight of the other women, solid advice from Sean on all fronts here.

Finally, it’s time for the real main event of night one, the limo introductions, and according to Chris Harrison the women were so great this season they had to keep 27 instead of the normal 25, so let’s get started.

Girl #1:  Amy L. 27-year-old local news reporter from Clermont Florida



Intro Score: 2.  Amy goes for a lame double awkward hug, double nice to meet you as her intro to Juan Pablo.  Between this greeting and her dull profile on The Bachelor website I’m not holding onto high hopes for Amy L.

Girl #2:  Cassandra (aka Rodney Stuckey’s baby momma), 21-year-old former Detroit Pistons and Phoenix Suns dancer from Michigan.



Intro Score: -1.  Cassandra intro features a nice to meet you and one of the longest awkward pauses in the history of The Bachelor.  The good news for Cassandra is that she is presumably a good dancer (one of Juan Pablo’s favorite things), she’s attractive, and she’s bagged an athlete in the past.  So she has those things to help her moving forward.  Final fun fact about Cassandra, she loves holding hands, Juan Pablo should keep that in mind.

Girl #3: Christy, 24-year-old Marketing Manager from Illinois.


Intro Score: 2.  These first couple women are super dull during their initial meeting with Juan Pablo.  Christy isn’t exciting me much in her online profile either, but she is pretty so that should be enough to keep her around for a while.

Girl #4: Christine, 23-year-old police support specialist from Miami.



Intro Score: 3.  Christine is the first woman to actually have a plan coming out of the limo, she gives Juan Pablo a bracelet for his daughter Camilla.  Unfortunately this little trinket isn’t enough to win over Juan Pablo and Christine is one of the women headed home on night one.

Girl #5: Nikki, 26-year-old pediatric nurse from Missouri.



Intro Score: 7.  Nikki brings along her stethoscope and has Juan Pablo listen to her heart beat so he can tell how nervous she is, this also serves as a clever way to let him feel her up on the first night.  Overall Nikki is off to a solid start after night one and I think we’ll be seeing her around for a while.

Girl #6: Kat, 29-year-old medical sales rep from Iowa.



Intro Score: 6.  For her intro Kat tells Juan Pablo she’s a dancer and asks him to teach her how to salsa, she also smells really good according to Juan Pablo, which is always a plus.  Kat is also part of the most awkward part of the night when Juan Pablo calls her name Kylie inexplicably thinks he has called her and both women move forward.  Things only get worse from there for Kylie who ends up getting sent home on the first night.  The good news is Kat seems to clearly be a more deserve choice, according to her profile she backpacked through Australia for 4 weeks by herself, and she enjoys reading Malcolm Gladwell books, a big step up from the Dr. Seuss many of the women from this season listed as their favorite author.

Girl #7: Chantel, 27-year-old account manager from Miami.



Intro Score: 3.  She teaches Juan Pablo how to say her name.  I’m not sure a lot of people struggle with how to pronounce Chantel but what do I know.  She’s also very good at pronouncing Juan Pablo, but as the token African-American cast member there isn’t much hope of her sticking around past the first few weeks, so let’s move on.

Girl #8: Victoria, 24-year-old legal assistant from Brazil/Florida.



Intro Score: 4.  She tells Juan Pablo that she is from Brazil, and they agree that she will teach him Portuguese and he will teach her Spanish.  She also taught me that they don’t speak Spanish in Brazil, she everyone learned something.

Girl #9: Lucy, 24-year-old “free spirit” and best friend to Kate Upton from California.



Intro Score: 1.  Lucy comes out of the limo decked out in full flower-child attire, and tells Juan Pablo she didn’t wear shoes she so wouldn’t be too tall.  While her intro wasn’t that exciting, her ABC profile has a lot more to offer.  We learn that the person Lucy admires most is her best friend Kate Upton, because of her thick skin.  We also learn that Lucy once organized a 50 person fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico.  Word around the internet this fall/winter was that Lucy was dating the founder of Snapchat, so we know she won’t be our winner, but she provides too much entertainment to get sent home right away.

Girl #10: Danielle, 25-year-old psychiatric nurse from Illinois.



Intro Score: 7.  Danielle doesn’t do anything crazy during their intro, but tells Juan Pablo she has a present for him inside.  Danielle has a solid plan to get some crucial one on one time with Juan Pablo, and being a psychiatric nurse should be a benefit in a house full of crazy women, I see good things for Danielle.

Girl #11: Lauren S. 26-year-old music composer from Detroit Michigan.

Lauren S


Intro Score: 9.  Lauren doesn’t arrive in a limo, but rather rolls up in style with a piano, and plays a song for Juan Pablo.  Despite a missed note or two due to nerves, this is the most solid first impression of the night (for me anyways).  Between this first impression and her ABC profile I’m sold on Lauren (I’ll share the link to the profiles at the end of the post).  She seems like a talented, interesting chick and I hope she sticks around for a while.

Girl #12: Chelsie, 24-year-old science educator from Ohio.



Intro Score: 1.  I want a science experiment damn it, don’t tease me!  Chelsie brings two empty test tubes and some goggles with her, she almost immediately tosses the props aside and says instead of doing chemistry she and Juan Pablo should just have chemistry.  If you’re going to see that you at least need to go for a kiss afterwards, overall I’m not impressed with Chelsie.

Girl #13: Valerie, 26-year-old personal trainer from California.



Intro Score: 2.  She decides to point out that she is wearing cowboy boots to show Juan Pablo that she’s a country girl.  Juan Pablo doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who is into country girls, and Valerie ends up going home on the first night, so I guess her boots were made for walking and not Juan Pablo.

Girl #14: Elise, 27-year-old first grade teacher from Fort Forty, PA.



Intro Score: 2.  Another lame chick, decides to make an impression by telling Juan Pablo that they have a lot of things in common, but doesn’t offer up what any of those things are.  Nothing about Elise really stands out for me, so I’m moving on.

Girl #15: Ashley, 25-year-old grade school teacher from Texas.



Intro Score: 4.  She gives Juan Pablo a gold star like the one she would give to her students, and says she thinks he is doing the right thing by coming on the show.  She also has kind of a phone sex operators type voice, but that must not be Juan Pablo’s  thing because she gets the boot back to Texas after the first rose ceremony.

Girl #16: Clare, 32-year-old hairstylist from California.



Intro Score: 6.  Clare must have heard somewhere that pretending to be pregnant is the way to a mans heart, because that’s the plan she uses when she first meets Juan Pablo.  He seems a little nervous at first, but he clearly thinks Clare is very attractive and feels a little more confident once they establish she isn’t actually pregnant.  Fun fact, in her ABC profile Clare claims she has never been on a vacation because she is always working.  I’m calling her bluff on this one, not to mention the fact that anyone who refuses to take a vacation probably isn’t the most fun person to be around.

Girl #17: Alli, 26-year-old nanny from Illinois.



Intro Score: 7.  I was a little surprised that Alli was the only chick who came out of the limo with a soccer ball, maybe that was Clare’s original plan too, and her backup with to stick the ball up her dress.  Alli gets bonus points for going all out and wearing cleats with her dress rather than attempting to play soccer in heels.

Girl #18: Amy J. 31-year-old massage therapist from Florida.



Intro Score: 3.  All Amy does for her intro is show off a little Spanish for Juan Pablo.  Amy saves her best work for later in the evening when she busts out her massage table and essential oils to give one of the most awkward massages in television history.  It’s clear things aren’t going to turn out well for Amy when Juan Pablo even says the massage was awkward after Amy walks away.  Amy has been searching for a man who wants to be rubbed by her (my favorite quote of the night), but unfortunately that man isn’t going to be Juan Pablo because he sends her packing after the rose ceremony.

Girl #19: Renee, 32-year-old real estate agent from Florida.



Intro Score: 6.  Renee makes a strong play by telling Juan Pablo that she is a single mother.  Juan Pablo seems to be fairly serious about his commitment to finding a good mother for Camilla, (so that he can spend all his time working as a club promoter) and already being a mom seems to give Renee an advantage over the other women.

Girl #20: Lauren H. 25-year-old mineral coordinator from Oklahoma.

lauren h


Intro Score: 2.  Yet another dull intro, unfortunately for Lauren things only get worse from here.  Lauren is the token cast member who is not over a recent relationship, and that fact dominates her storyline throughout the evening.  Lauren’s last boyfriend broke off their engagement after six weeks, and she is far from over him, but decided the best way to move on would be to come on The Bachelor.  Lauren basically spends all night crying into her wine, and being too afraid to talk to Juan Pablo.  This doesn’t turn out to be a super successful strategy and Lauren is another casualty of night one.

Girl #21: Maggie, 24-year-old personal banker from South Carolina.



Intro Score: 4.  She gives Juan Pablo a fishing hook and tells him that she loves to go fishing with her family, and hopes that he will be a good catch.  Juan Pablo proves once again that country girls aren’t his thing as he throws Maggie back into the dating pond after the rose ceremony.

Girl #22: Kelly, 27-year-old “dog lover” from Georgia.



Intro Score: 5.  I wish someone would tell this season’s contestants that “free spirit” and “dog lover” aren’t actual occupations, those are just facts about you.  In reality Lucy and Kelly have the same occupation: nothing.  I would have given Kelly more points for bringing a dog along with her, but the dog isn’t that cute and it totally blows off Juan Pablo, so I wasn’t overly impressed.

Girl #23: Lacy, 25-year-old nursing home owner from California.



Intro Score: 7.  Not many people have tried to drug the bachelor on the first night, so you have to admire her for that. Ok, fine, so they were actually just red-hot candies in a prescription bottle, but still a fairly creative idea.  Unfortunately for Lacy, Juan Pablo must not be a big candy guy because she fails to receive a rose during the ceremony.

Girl #24: Alexis, 24-year-old communications director from Florida.



Intro Score: 2. More Spanish, yawn.  Not much stands out to me about Alexis and Juan Pablo must have felt the same way because she also doesn’t receive a rose.  (These last couple limos had a lot of rejects, they should have divided the women up better).

Girl #25: Kylie 23-year-old interior designer from Illinois.



Intro Score: 0. I’m sick of these boring introductions, think of something!  Kylie sticks with the theme of the night, a hug/nice to meet you combo.  I’m really getting frustrated with the lack of effort, and apparently so is Juan Pablo because he shows her the door after the rose ceremony.

Girl #26: Sharleen, 29-year-old opera singer from Canada/Germany.



Intro Score: 8.  The score isn’t really for anything she did, in fact their intro is a little awkward, but she shows us that Juan Pablo clearly has a type, and he proves that by giving her the first impression rose later in the evening.  Juan Pablo clearly seems to be interested in the celebrity lifestyle, and women in the modelling/entertainment industry seem to catch his attention more than others.  Despite his interest in her, Sharleen seems pretty luke warm in her feelings towards Juan Pablo, so it will be interesting to see how things turn out between the two.

Girl #27: Andi, 26-year-old assistant district attorney from Georgia.



Intro Score: 5. A little flirty, a little awkward, the points are mostly because Juan Pablo clearly thinks she’s attractive.

Alright we’ve finally reached the end of the introductions.  This definitely wasn’t the most exciting group of women, but I’m keeping my hopes high as we move into the cocktail party portion of the evening.

Cocktail Party Observations:

-During their one on one time Lucy says that she’s a drifter who doesn’t really have a home, just the thing the father of a young child wants in a future spouse.

-Juan Pablo must have reeked of essential oils for the rest of the night after his massage.  I also feel like rubbing oils on a suit isn’t a good idea, hopefully it wasn’t a rental.

-As the night goes on Lauren H. goes from feeling a little nervous to having a complete breakdown and doubting everything about who she is as a person.  Your first night on a reality show probably isn’t the best time for deep personal reflection.

-Ashley is doomed by the fact that she spends all night helping Lauren H. rather than going after Juan Pablo.  Just goes to show you shouldn’t be overly friendly on the first night.

-Sharleen has the least excited response to the first impression rose in history, and makes it seem like she might say no for a second before finally giving a hesitant “sure.”  Sharleen is definitely not feeling chemistry the same way Juan Pablo is, and this could turn into a Des/Brooks repeat if they even make it that far.

Alright that’s all I’ve got for this week, we have a lot of excitement ahead of us.  I think Juan Pablo will be a little more interesting as The Bachelor than “born again virgin” Sean.  I’ll see you next Tuesday for a recap of the first dates, and on Thursday for a recap of The Real World Ex-plosion.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments – You can reach me via email – SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter – @NoOneGoesToClev

Here is the link to the profiles on ABC if you want to learn more about the contestants on this season of The Bachelor.

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