This is Why you Shouldn’t Put Out on a Reality Show (The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap)

BACK ROW: NIKKI, KATHERINE, CHRISTINE H., LAUREN S., KELLY, CASSANDRA, ALLISON, LAUREN H., AMY L., MAGGIE; MIDDLE ROW: AMY J., CHRISTINE L., CHANTAL, SHARLEEN, KYLIE, LACY, LUCY, VICTORIA, ASHLEY; FRONT ROW: ANDI, RENEE, DANIELLE, ALEXIS, JUAN PABLO GAL

 

 

And we’re back with another thrilling episode of The Bachelor! Ok, so actually this week was a little dull, (again) but we’re going to talk about it anyways gosh darn it!  This week the ladies and Juan Pablo continue their tour of Asia with a stop in Vietnam (I really hope Clare managed to buy a kimono somewhere before this stop).  This week is sticking with the regular format of two one-on-one dates and a group date, the first date belongs to Renee so let’s get started.

Renee and Juan Pablo’s date is a Bachelor classic, just walking around a foreign city looking at stuff.  To make this date even more fun it’s apparently extremely hot, as both Renee and Juan Pablo are sweating through their shirts.  The pair get a custom dress made for Renee, (by a woman who spoke less English than Juan Pablo) get yelled at by a street vendor while trying to get some mango, and then enjoy an extremely hot (temperature wise) dinner together.  During dinner the couple discusses their children (aka the one thing they have in common) and Juan Pablo blows on Renee’s face to try to cool her off.  Having someone blow in my face is not a method I’ve ever used to cool off, and personally I didn’t think it looked too effective.  To end the night Juan Pablo and Renee put lanterns in the river after making a wish.  Renee, who still hasn’t been kissed by Juany Pabs says that is her wish.  Juan Pablo shuts Renee down again however, using the logic that he doesn’t want Renee’s son Ben to be upset with him.  Don’t feel too bad for Renee though, she gets a rose and finally gets her kiss later in the episode.

Next up is the group date where the ladies and Juan Pablo venture out to sea in traditional Vietnamese boats (that look a lot like half of a coconut shell).  Juan Pablo tells the girls to pair up and clearly non of them are that bright because they all pair up with their buddies meaning friendless Clare gets to go in the boat with Juan Pablo.  Kelly has the quote of the night once again stating that: “this is the first time in life that having no friends is an advantage” (even though if the women were smart one of them would have grabbed Juan Pablo and made their buddy go with Clare).  While they are paddling around in the boats, Juan Pablo lets the boat he and Clare are in drift into some greenery so he can sneak a kiss.  Unfortunately, Juan Pablo is terrible at this sneaking thing and all the other women see the kiss, and are not happy about essentially being guests on what is turning into a one-on-one date for Clare and Juan Pablo.  Following their time in the boats the ladies and Juan Pablo get to do a little hard labor, helping out at a Vietnamese farm and then eating a meal with a local family.  The girls were really not big fans of Clare during the day portion of this date, and things don’t get any better during the evening cocktail party.  After spending most of the day together in the boat, Juan Pablo selects Clare as the first person to talk to during the party.  The other women are thoroughly unimpressed and Kelly speculates that they have been gone so long they may have gotten to second base.  Juan Pablo does nothing to warm the icy relations between Clare and the ladies when he gives her the rose at the end of the night, leaving several women to wonder if their feelings for Juan Pablo are reciprocated.

It seems like the night has come to an end, especially since it is apparently 4 am, but Clare has other ideas.  Clare slips away from the other women and heads out to pay Juan Pablo a visit, and invite him to take a swim in the ocean.  Juan Pablo agrees without a moment of hesitation and the pair run hand in hand into the crashing surf.  Due to darkness and the size of the waves (and the fact that it’s a network tv show) it’s impossible to tell exactly what happens between the pair, but in her interview afterwards Clare says it was “bliss in every way possible.”  Even though he seemed pretty into it at the time, Juan Pablo doesn’t agree with Clare’s assessment, but we’ll get into that more later, now it’s time for Nikki’s one-on-one date.

For Nikki’s one-on-one date the producers prove that they learned nothing from Chelsie’s date (or that they want to see one of these girls actually shit themselves) and decide to send Juan Pablo and Nikki repelling down “Hell” cave.  The producer’s really might be selecting these dates involving heights just so the ladies can get in plenty of metaphors about “taking the leap,” and “diving into love.”  Honestly, the dinner portions of these one-on-one dates are just painful to watch.  The conversation generally consists of Juan Pablo asking the girl about a topic we’ve already heard them talk about repeatedly, and then giving a long drawn out answer to which he responds by saying things like “uh huh” and “I like that.”  I’m going to have to start fast forwarding through these conversations if I have to hear about Nikki’s nursing career, or Renee’s son, or Clare’s dad (etc, etc) one more time.  So, to wrap up this date, they talk about Nikki’s nursing career and she gets a rose, and Juan Pablo says she could be a potential wife, the end.

During the rose ceremony cocktail party Juan Pablo puts all the ladies without roses on edge by telling them three women will be packing their bags and heading back to the states.  The highlight of this cocktail party, and the episode, was Juan Pablo giving Clare one of the harshest rejections in the shows history.  Juan Pablo sits down to talk to Clare about their ocean hook up and sums it up by saying “it wasn’t right, but what happened happened.”  Juan Pablo first says it wasn’t right because it wasn’t fair to the other girls, and Clare logically responds by saying this shouldn’t be about fairness, it should be about following your heart.  Juan Pablo then continues the rejection by saying he’s not just unhappy about what happened because it was unfair, he’s also upset because he wouldn’t want his daughter to see that.  It kind of seems like Juan Pablo should have thought some more before jogging off into the ocean, also since his daughter is only four years old she probably shouldn’t be watching anything from this show, we need Andi to prosecute Juany Pabs for his weak logic on this one.  Clare is visibly upset when she returns from the talk with Juan Pablo, she tries to play it off as an allergy attack, but the women see through that pretty easily and they are psyched.  (Although not as excited as they would have been if Clare didn’t have a rose already).  Even with the announcement that three women would be heading home, there wasn’t much excitement this week, as it was pretty obvious who would be packing their bags.  Danielle, Allison and Kelly are the unlucky ladies left rose-less at the end of the night.  While Danielle and Allison added nothing to the show, they basically never even spoke on camera, Kelly is a big loss in the entertainment department and will be greatly missed.

Next week the ladies and Juan Pablo are continuing their trip around the globe, making a stop in New Zealand.  I’ve got to say, predicting who will win this season is almost impossible at this point (at least without the help of Reality Steve).  Juan Pablo doesn’t seem to have a real connection with any of the women, and at this point I definitely don’t see a Bachelor wedding coming out of this season.  Next week Clare and Juan Pablo continue to debate whether their ocean tryst was right or wrong, a bunch of women say they are falling for Juany Pabs, and Sharleen tearfully says she thinks it’s best if she leaves the show (even though I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if she doesn’t end up leaving).  I’ll see you Thursday for a recap of The Real World Ex-Plosion and next Tuesday to recap all the action from the next episode of The Bachelor.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments – You can reach me via email – SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter – @NoOneGoesToClev

If you can’t get enough of Juan Pablo and the ladies I’m including their Twitter handles here so you can keep up with them all week long.

Kelly – @KellyTravisty

Sharleen – @sharleenjoynt

Andi – @AndiDorfman

Nikki – @Nikki_Ferrell

Elise – @elisemosca

Clare – @Clare_Crawley

Renee – @reneeoteri

Danielle – @dannironco

Kat – @KatHurd

Chelsie – @ChelsieRene

Lucy – @lucyaragon

Cassandra – @cassandrafergie

Lauren S – @LaurenSol

Juan Pablo – @JuanPaGalavis

Chris Harrison – @chrisbharrison

 

 

 

 

 

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