The weather is turning warmer, flower’s are blooming, this can only mean one thing. It’s time to lock yourself inside and watch hours and hours of desperate people trying to find love. It’s bachelorette season! Last night the new season kicked off with a two-hour premiere that seemed to go by a lot faster than the three-hour marathon before the start of Chris’s season of The Bachelor. If you haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, or even if you have, I highly suggest checking out Juliet Litman’s interview with the two ladies. Despite what it looked like in the past, Kaitlyn and Britt seem to genuinely like each other, and Britt comes across as dramatically less annoying when she isn’t crying over Chris ever 15 seconds. That being said, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover so let’s get started with the limo introductions.
Before the men arrive Chris Harrison tells the women the men will decide which of them is selected as The Bachelorette. Britt with her trademark upbeat personality is accepting of this twist, and feels the process will still be successful. Kaitlyn on the other hand just looks pissed, and her response after Britt finishes talking is, “yea, we’re very different people.” After a few more words of encouragement from Chris Harrison is time for the guys to arrive. Initially production show’s a lot of support for #TeamBritt, most likely to try and throw off all the spoilers for the last few months that have Kaitlyn being the winner of this love battle. There were far fewer crazy stunts coming out of the limo than in past seasons, probably due to the time crunch of having to talk to both girls. JJ brought and hockey puck and told Kaitlyn he’d love to “puck” her, which she thought was hilarious. Joe brought a jar of moonshine, and Justin, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear brought balloons and took a shot of helium before chatting Kaitlyn up. After meeting Shawn B. who literally swept Britt off her feet before turning to Kaitlyn and saying that she was his reason for coming, Kaitlyn runs into the house to say see the guys for a second and my new found good feelings towards Britt went out the door. Britt complains that Kaitlyn going inside of unfair and “cheating.” Question for Britt: Why didn’t you just run in after her? Britt should know by now that all’s fair in love, war, and crazy reality shows where desperate people fight for screen time in an effort to find love (or an acting contract).
The big drama of the night is Ryan M. and his level of intoxication. Aside from the rape joke, which was clearly in bad taste, and one of the only times I really believed he was wasted, I kind of liked Ryan. Most of the things he said were funny, and it seems pretty clear he came on this show to be the funny, crazy guy on night one and not because he actually wanted to marry Britt or Kaitlyn. Unfortunately for Ryan, Chris Harrison catches wind of the fact that someone might not be there for “the right reasons,” and he gets an early ride out of the mansion and back to the junkyard. (Ryan M. listed his profession as junkyard specialist, in case anyone missed that in his bio).
With all the limo arrivals out of the way, the guys are hanging out discussing which woman they prefer. I feel like Kupah best summed up the opinions of the guys who prefer Britt when he says “Britt is like a trophy wife, Kaitlyn is like a wife.” I suppose Britt is a little better looking than Kaitlyn, although it’s a close call, and the guys who like Britt more seem to be big on the looks and a nice smile thing, while the guys who like Kaitlyn seem more into her personality. Also doesn’t it seem like the guys who prefer the woman the gets voted off (aka Britt) should be voted off with her. I mean if they’re really that into Britt they should go and get her, she’s still available off the show, unless they aren’t really here for “the right reasons.”
About half way through the cocktail party Chris Harrison announces that the guys will be voting one of the women off tonight. For most of the guys this seems like a daunting task. Not so for Tony, (the healer) who jumps up before Chris Harrison can even finish his speech to put his rose in Britt’s “pulsating” box. The tally for Britt right now includes the stripper, the guy who said he wants a trophy wife, and “the healer” who shows up on national television with a black eye.
While Kaitlyn and Britt are once again busy trying to convince strangers that they should get engaged a few months from now, Ryan M. is still pounding back the drinks. Most of the guys are just laughing at Ryan, but amateur sex coach Shawn E. isn’t going to stand for the way he and his pool car were disrespected. Shawn confronts Ryan who can’t seem to remember telling Shawn he sucked earlier in the evening, but is quick to point out that he still thinks he sucks now (I’m still team Ryan, it seems like this guy probably does suck). Fun fact about Ryan, he is the ex-boyfriend of Nikki Ferrell, aka the “winner” of Juany Pabs season of The Bachelor.
As the night is dragging on and guys are starting to place their votes it seems fairly obvious that Kaitlyn is in the lead despite the best attempts by Jonathan to convince the other guys to pick Britt. Once again, if you like Britt and she’s not the bachelorette the opportunity is still there. While Jonathan is busy scheming, Kaitlyn and Shawn B. are falling in love. Shawn made a big first impression on both ladies but he says after meeting Kaitlyn that it feels like love at first sight, and after they talk again later in the evening Kaitlyn returns the sentiment.
The episode closes out with the guys all sitting around talking about how stressed the girls must be while Chris Harrison goes to the voting room to count up the roses. As expected, the results of the vote won’t be officially revealed until tomorrow, but if all the rumors of Kaitlyn winning are somehow wrong it will be the biggest surprise in this shows history. The final clip of the night is an outtake of Britt and Shawn E. aka the amateur sex coaches conversation. Shawn not only mentions anal toys and making sure things don’t get stuck in your bowels, when Britt wants to confirm that his profession means he coaches two “humans” about their sex lives Shawn says that he until he has had all these “experiences” with his partner he’s not going to teach anyone. How can you say you’re a sex coach when you’ve never actually been a sex coach before. I’m pretty sure Shawn really likes porn, and for the proposes of the show he decided to turn his fascination into a pretend career. This does however explain why Shawn isn’t a “professional” sex coach, because he’s not a sex coach at all.
That’s all I’ve got for last night’s episode. I’m honestly more excited for this season than I have been in a long time. Like most of the guys on this show, I really like Kaitlyn, and I think she will be a lot more fun as The Bachelorette than the last few contestants we’ve had. That being said, if the impossible happens and it somehow ends up being Britt I’m probably out on this season. So let’s keep our fingers crossed, and I’ll be back tomorrow (I think) to discuss the big reveal and what’s ahead for this season of The Bachelorette.
Thoughts/Questions/Comments: Feel free to contact me via email: SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter: @NoOneGoesToClev