Freaks and Friendzones: Below Deck Season 4 Episode 5 Recap

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As an avid fan of Below Deck since season one I’m not sure why it’s taken me such a long time to finally add the show to my recaps.  It might have something to do with the fact that I haven’t added any recaps in months, but I’m working on getting this site back up and running with a decent portion of this season of Below Deck still left and a new season of The Real World debuting next week.  Anyways, enough with my excuses and (maybe) false promises, let’s get into this week’s episode.

The highlight of this week’s episode is the chest/back waxing of two charter guests after one of the saddest push up contests in recorded history.  While these men are apparently extremely wealthy, they clearly aren’t very vain or it seems like they would have sprung for some hair removal at an earlier point in their lives instead of arriving in the Caribbean looking like big foots long-lost cousins.  This already fairly awkward activity ends when one highly intoxicated guest asks if they can see Emily’s “v.” To her credit instead of getting upset Emily laughs awkwardly and asks if she can get anyone anything to drink.  However if she really cared about their tip she would have just taken one for the team and shown him, I guess she’s not really a team player after all. (Also, since it’s been awhile, I’m kidding for anyone who thinks I’m an asshole right about now).  After a charter that included a 12 course dinner and laminated chest hair, it’s finally time for this group of guests to leave the boat, and just to solidify their position of some of the creepier guests in the shows history they leave a large portion of their twenty grand tip in singles.

With the guests off the boat it’s time for the crew to head out to celebrate another successful charter, and its time for Nico and Kelley to continue their battle for who will win Emily’s heart (or at least win the chance to bang her until the season is over).  Everyone is in good spirits as the gang heads out to party with the exception of Lauren, who seems to slowly be coming to the realization that she’s been put in the dreaded “friendzone” by Nico.  While Lauren wallows in her sorrows on the beach, Nico goes full steam ahead with his plans to win over Emily by dancing and pounding drinks.  Everything is going great with Nico’s plan until Kelley tells Emily that Nico has a girl back home.  Not interested in being involved with a potential cheater, Emily distances herself from Nico.  Not to be discouraged Nico aka “Freako” attempts to make out with both Sierra and Emily once the crew is back on ship.  Just in case Lauren wasn’t feeling badly enough already, not only is Nico not into her, he is into virtually every other female cast member, aside from newly out lesbian Kate.

This week’s episode wraps up with the introduction of a new deckhand, and a new set of charter guests.  In his brief time of camera so far all we’ve really learned about new deckhand Kyle is that his British accent is particularly difficult to understand, and he has a child with a woman he met during a pub crawl.  And the only thing we’ve learned about the new group of charter guests is that it appears they’re going to be wasted their entire stay, and based on the preview for next week’s episode it looks like they may get smashed to bits on a coral reef.  Next week also features the arrival of Kate’s girlfriend, and a potential battle between Kelley and Captain Lee. I look forward to seeing you all again next week for Below Deck and the new season of The Real World.

 

Thoughts/Questions/Comments: I can be reached via email – SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter @NoOneGoesToClev

 

 

Bye Bye Banana’s The Challenge: Battle of the Bloodlines “Out for Blood” Recap

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So remember a couple of days ago when I wrote that this game was rigged after Banana’s managed to talk Jenna into voting in Cara Maria and her cousin Jamie to face off against Abram and his brother, guaranteeing that one of the biggest threats to his winning would be eliminated.  Then at the end of that post I wrote that it seemed like a lock for Banana’s to get another title with how weak the remaining teams were.  Well it looks like I might have spoken a little too soon, because this week we saw Johnny and his creepy cousin Vince get sent packing.

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This Season is Rigged, The Challenge: Battle of the Bloodlines Recap

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Well, looks like I’m running a little behind schedule on my recaps, but better late than never right?  Since it’s almost time for this weeks episode I’m not going to go too far into things from last week, but there are a couple of things I need to get off my chest before we go any further on this season.

The most important thing we learned last week?  This season of The Challenge is fixed!  For seemingly the ten-thousandth time in challenge history Johnny Banana’s was able to somehow save himself when it seemed like the game was finally turning on him.  After being put into the elimination round for the third time, with Vince being a leader in the voting each time, Jenna decided she was finally done being a pawn for Banana’s and his creepy cousin.  Jenna even makes a deal with Cara Maria and her cousin Jamie that they will watch each other’s backs.  Even though Cara Maria was clearly lying when she said Jenna and Brianna would be their number one alliance, (clearly Abe and his brother were her top partnership) I still hoped that this would be enough to convince Jenna to actually turn her back on Banana’s.  Unfortunately, as we’ve seen frequently during her time on this show, Jenna can easily be swayed by almost any assertive male cast member.  Johnny convinces Jenna that they need to get rid of Cara Maria because Jenna wouldn’t be able to beat her in a final.  You know who else Jenna can’t beat in a final? Johnny Bananas!  Honestly at this point the only team Jenna and Brianna could probably beat in the final is Aneesa and her cousin, and even that is up for debate.  Despite how shady he has been this season Banana’s is still a better ally than Cara (just ask Tom about how good she is at saving teams in her “alliance”).

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Olivia is Great at Sympathy: The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

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Last night was the first time this season I’ve been able to watch The Bachelor during it’s original airing, and I was reminded that the show might be the longest two hours in television without the advantages of dvr to skip through commercials/long stretches where nothing really happens (aka Ben and Lauren B’s date).  That being said, I did basically make it through the whole episode, (minus the parts I missed while I was watching basketball) and thought I’d share my thoughts on a pretty average third episode.

The first one on one date of the evening went to norm-core flight attendant Lauren B, one of the two remaining Lauren’s out of the original four on this season.  Ben (aka production) decides the best date for a flight attendant is a private plane ride (I’m sure she misses work).  The date basically consists of Ben and Lauren making out while flying over the Bachelor mansion in a biplane, and then landing to spend some time in the Kevin Hart hot tub now conveniently located in the middle of a field.  The pair then moves on to dinner where we learn that Lauren loves her dad, and her dad loves lawn care.  I’m not nearly as into Lauren as Ben is.  According to her ABC bio Lauren loves warm weather, Titanic, and her guiltiest pleasure is brunch with mimosa’s, in other words Lauren is a basic bitch.

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Bitter Banana’s The Challenge Bloodlines “Blood is Thicker than Mud” Recap

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Is this the least likable version of Johnny Banana’s since The Island, is Aneesa the lamest lesbian ever?  Have Thomas and Cara Maria been murder by Ab yet? I’m making my triumphant (and possibly very brief) return to discuss all these topics and maybe more as I break down the latest episode of The Challenge: Bloodlines.

On last night’s episode of The Challenge we saw Johnny Banana’s screw over yet another member of his seriously dwindling alliance.  Banana’s comes up with the always controversial plan for the red team to throw this week’s mission in an attempt to place nemesis Cara Maria in an elimination round and hopefully send her home.  (Although honestly what girl on the red team could possibly beat Cara Maria in an elimination, getting rid of Jamie, Cara’s cousin seems like the much easier plan).  After the blue team puts in a fairly poor performance in a challenge that is essentially just crossing a cargo net over a big pit of water, Johnny puts his plan into place.  Johnny decides he and Anthony, his new bff will both fall, and in a particularly dirty move, essentially rips Rianna off the cargo net so she falls as well.  Banana’s lets himself fall immediately, but Anthony really goes for the academy award, putting up a long struggling battle before letting himself drop just before the finish line.  Despite their best attempts to take longer on the challenge,(both teams lost three players) the red team still claims victory over the lowly blue team.

Following their loss the blue team must decide which female player they will select for the elimination round.  The vote comes down to Kelly Anne and Jenna, and with the deciding vote Mitch inexplicably decides to send Jenna in instead of Kelly Anne.  (Someone really needs to help Corey and Mitch out, it’s never a good idea to help Banana’s alliance when you have no alliance yourselves).  However it doesn’t really end up mattering that her own team didn’t send her in, because moments later the red team votes to send Kelly Anne in as the second participant in the elimination round.  The “shocker” (if we can call it that at this point) is that Banana’s goes along with his team and votes in Kelly Anne, despite his supposed alliance with her cousin Anthony.  This is the second time this season Banana’s has not only done nothing to defend a “friend,” but has only personally thrown them in to the elimination round.  Obviously the betrayal of Nany, someone who has seemingly been close to Banana’s for years, was much more egregious than what he did to Anthony this week, but both were underhanded moves.  While Banana’s offered Nany some weak excuse about his girlfriend from home, and not wanting to look like he was favoring Nany too much, I feel like maybe this is just a return to the Banana’s of old.  The past few seasons we had seen a kinder, gentler Johnny Banana’s.  That fact ultimately came back to bite him last season when he was out played by Sarah and ended up going home just before the final.  I was left wondering if Sarah’s betrayal (which I personally greatly enjoyed) has turned Banana’s back into his old self, AKA the Banana’s from The Island that screwed over Paula, and essentially refused to feed any of the girls in response to limited food rations.  Whatever is happening with Banana’s this season, it doesn’t seem good for his game in the long run.   With the elimination of Kelly Anne and Anthony last night essentially the last piece of Banana’s alliance is off the show.

Speaking of alliances, let’s step away from Banana’s for second and talk about Aneesa, who could be in every alliance or no alliances at this point as far as I can tell.  I want to start out by saying I’ve always liked Aneesa, (actually I didn’t like her much on her original season of The Real World, but since then I’ve liked her) that being said I have no idea what is going on with her this season.  Aneesa, who until this season I was pretty sure was a pretty full time lesbian, ended up falling for Corey, who I’m pretty sure is a full time douche.  Corey just does not seem to be a nice guy.  Aneesa is the third woman we’ve seen him with on television, ans he’s basically treated them all like crap.  I get that he’s good looking, but come on Aneesa, he’s basically put you on blast every chance he’s gotten for the past couple of episodes and you still seem to have his back.  Corey pulled a Banana’s and went out of his way to vote for Aneesa this week when he easily could’ve just gone along with the rest of his team and voted for Kelly Anne.  I’m begging you Aneesa, get over this lame crush and put Corey in his place, and get back to being the lovable lesbian you’ve always been.

Following the departure of Kelly Anne and Anthony it’s unclear where things will go from here this season.  Cara Maria seems to be in a good place to finally get her first victory with a solid alliance of her cousin Jamie and Abram and his brother Mike.  It seems like things didn’t really turn south for Cara and Ab until they got back home, and possibly until they went on The After Show last week.  It will also be interesting to see what decision’s Jenna and her cousin make, as they are yet another team that feels betrayed by Banana’s.  (Side note, I really love Jenna, I don’t even know why really, but she’s usually good for at least one good one-liner each episode and she’s kind of a lovable underdog.  Unfortunately I think she could have some trouble when Zach shows up this season).  While I don’t know the outcome of this season, based on things I’ve picked up during The After Show, it seems like Banana’s might have burned too many bridges to pull off a victory this year.  Could we be seeing the end of Banana’s reign on The Challenge?  Could this be the year Cara Maria finally claims victory?  Could Abram maim the entire cast and cause the final to be cancelled?  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  I hope to be back next week to talk more about The Challenge, and possibly get into some Bachelor talk, but not making any promises, see you next time.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments: I can be reached on Twitter @NoOneGoesToClev

 

Hiatus (In case you haven’t noticed yet)

So, just in case over a month of no new posts hasn’t tipped you off, I’m on a bit of a hiatus from this blog right now.  I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be posting regularly again, but right now I’m thinking around the beginning of the new year, aka the start of a new season of The Bachelor.  I may surprise you and post some before then though, so keep a look out.  Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this blog.  I feel badly about this break in content, but after over a year of posting a couple of times a week I was feeling burned out and felt the quality wasn’t really there anymore.  I look forward to picking up again in the new year with the start of some new reality tv shows, and hope some of you will stick with me until then.  Thanks again ~ @NoOneGoesToClev

The Challenge: Rivals II Preview

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Last week the cast for The Challenge: Rivals II was released in an US Weekly exclusive.  (Unfortunately for US Weekly the cast list had already been circulating around online, which makes it a pretty standard tabloid exclusive).  Despite the fact that this news wasn’t all that exclusive, and the fact that the show doesn’t debut for over a month, (July 10th) I was still super excited when I found out.  While my love for The Real World has faded over the years, and blogging this season has taught me that I really may just be getting too old to watch a full season, I still f*cking love the challenges.  That being the case, I decided to put together my Rivals 2 season preview a little early.  I’m going to assess each team based on their physical game, political game, and team chemistry, and then rank them in order from weakest to strongest.  I’ll start with the guys teams.

Team #8: Wes and CT

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Physical Game: 9

Political Game: 2

Team Chemistry: 1

Evaluation:  Both guys have a history as great physical competitors, even if they did both burn out the last time they had to run a final (Kenny literally carried Wes part way up a mountain on the first season of rivals, and cigarette clogged lungs hampered CT during ex’s).  Unfortunately for this team physical is all they’ve really got in this show.  All signs point to Johnny Banana’s running the show again this season, and he has never hidden his distaste for either of these guys.  I predict they will be picked to go into elimination early and often, and will have to find a way to work together to save themselves.  Also, as we saw during the first season of rivals, the teams that did the best were the one’s without any real animosity left between them.  Unless these guys made up at some point off camera, they definitely still have bad blood, and should have trouble working together.  They are also both chronic DQer’s. who fail to listen to the rules for each game, that fact could prove especially harmful on a show full of people gunning for them.  I can see these two winning a few eliminations and sticking around for a while, but it would take a miracle to get these guys into another final.

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A Bad Night For Dips (The Bachelorette Episode 1 Recap)

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It’s time for another season of The Bachelorette!  This season features Desiree Hartsock, an early favorite from Sean’s season of The Bachelor who faded at the end and finished in fourth place in the competition for Sean’s affection.  Desiree was a fan favorite who was also selected based on having the ideal combination of sluttiness and substance that this show aims for.

The primary focus of this week’s recap is going to be an introduction to the guys who will be competing for Desiree’s heart.  I’m going to cover the beginning and end of the episode briefly, but I’ll cover most of the episode through the introduction to the guys.

To start the episode we see Desiree roll up to her new Malibu mansion in a small silver sedan that seems like it’s on the verge of breaking down.  (I feel fairly confident the noises were added by production, and that Desiree wasn’t actually driving a car that was about to bite the dust).  Luckily for Des, she is presented with the keys to a new teal colored Bentley convertible.  (Does she get to keep that car? If so, I think that makes up for any heart-break you may suffer during your time on the show).  Before we get to the guys we need to get in some top quality love story clichés, courtesy of The Bachelorette.  We get a montage on Desiree chasing seagulls down a beach, and frolicking around town, and get to hear her say she feels like Cinderella .

Now with the re-introduction to Desiree out-of-the-way, let’s meet the guys:

(I’m going to be making reference to the guys profiles on ABC a lot, here’s the link if you want to read them for yourself)

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Yeah, I like the dog more than any of the human cast members too (The Real World Portland Episode 1 Recap)

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The new season of The Real World kicked off last night, and at first glance it looks a lot like other recent seasons of the show.  This past weekends retro MTV Real World marathon spoiled me on how great this show used to be.  Ok, so maybe great is a little strong, but it used to be more than sticking a bunch of aspiring models/actors in a house and watching them drink and hook up.  I’ve tried to come up with when The Real World stopped being about a group of (somewhat) real people dealing with issues, and turned into a contest to find the most attractive people possible and keep them inebriated for several months to see what happens. (There are of course times the show still deals with issues, but they are no longer in the foreground like during the early seasons of the show).  Despite being pretty disenfranchised with the show, (I haven’t really watched since the second New Orleans season) I decided I would give it another shot, and do recaps of this season for my blog.  I’m going to start out with a little write-up about each cast member, and then I’ll cover the first episode.

Anastasia (aka Bird):

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Important things to know about her: She’s tall, (5’11) which helped her get the nickname “Bird” (the other reason for the nickname is because she gets an idea and just takes off and flies away with it).  She’s worked as a model, (shocking) but she was a nerd in high school (you can kind of tell) and apparently loves Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.  She’s also the only person who’s in a relationship when the season starts out (sure that’s going to work out).  And according to her MTV bio she has issues with alcohol as a result of having an alcoholic father, and having a friend killed recently by a drunk driver.  (She didn’t seem to have any problems drinking in the first episode however).

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It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Until your bracket is busted, your favorite team has lost and all your hopes and dreams have been shattered)

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We’re roughly two hours from the start of the first game of this years NCAA tournament, (#3 Michigan St. vs. #14 Valparaiso) and my excitement level is almost at its peak.  (Side note, don’t pick Valpo just because of this shot in 1998, I know it’s tempting).  The NCAA tournament is by far my favorite sporting event of the year, and I happen to be blessed with a sort of shitty job, with the one perk of that job being that I can easily get the first two weekends of the tourney off.  So, while many are stuck at work trying to figure out how to watch the games and check the scores without their bosses notices, I’m just trying to figure out how to burn the next 2 hours of time before the games start.  I’ve got my brackets filled out, all 17 of them (I have absolutely no integrity).  So I have to come up with some other ways to burn time (and to try to distract myself from the fact that this is the second year in a row a major scandal has been broken on the eve of the tourney for my team, Syracuse.)  I’ll probably just do what I always do while I wait for the games to start, watch One Shining Moment videos while trying not to tear up, and get a jump start on my drinking.  (Here’s a few One Shining Moments in case you want to do the same.  Also does anyone know what happened to that horrible Jennifer Hudson One Shining Moment from a couple of years ago.  I feel like CBS is trying to pretend it never happened by destroying all copies of the video, and bringing back the Luther Vandross version).

(A compilation from the 27 seasons on CBS set to One Shining Moment)

(And the most shining moment of all, the 2003 version, following the Syracuse win)

For anyone who still has some time to burn, here’s a collection of the best buzzer beaters from the tourney.

For anyone still looking for help on filling out their brackets, here are all 68 teams ranked by the coolest person who went there.  (Link)

Or here’s some advice from ESPN on which teams are set to be this years Cinderella (Link)

Or you could just except that your bracket is probably screwed, (especially this year) and just pick whoever you want, or be super lame and let ESPN auto-fill your bracket.  (In 2011 I won Kevin Durant’s group on ESPN and got a pair of sneakers, I’ve kind of accepted this is the best I’ll ever do, but it never hurts to dream).

Well, it looks like the time just ticked over to beer o’clock.  Good luck to everyone with their brackets. I’ll be checking in on twitter throughout the weekend, and will probably update on here sometime early next week.

I’m leaving you with a video of Gus Johnson’s greatest calls, we miss you Gus, come back home to the tourney where you belong.