Olivia is Great at Sympathy: The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

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Last night was the first time this season I’ve been able to watch The Bachelor during it’s original airing, and I was reminded that the show might be the longest two hours in television without the advantages of dvr to skip through commercials/long stretches where nothing really happens (aka Ben and Lauren B’s date).  That being said, I did basically make it through the whole episode, (minus the parts I missed while I was watching basketball) and thought I’d share my thoughts on a pretty average third episode.

The first one on one date of the evening went to norm-core flight attendant Lauren B, one of the two remaining Lauren’s out of the original four on this season.  Ben (aka production) decides the best date for a flight attendant is a private plane ride (I’m sure she misses work).  The date basically consists of Ben and Lauren making out while flying over the Bachelor mansion in a biplane, and then landing to spend some time in the Kevin Hart hot tub now conveniently located in the middle of a field.  The pair then moves on to dinner where we learn that Lauren loves her dad, and her dad loves lawn care.  I’m not nearly as into Lauren as Ben is.  According to her ABC bio Lauren loves warm weather, Titanic, and her guiltiest pleasure is brunch with mimosa’s, in other words Lauren is a basic bitch.

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As always, it appears that some of these people are not here for “the right reasons” The Bachelorette Premiere Part 1 Recap

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The weather is turning warmer, flower’s are blooming, this can only mean one thing.  It’s time to lock yourself inside and watch hours and hours of desperate people trying to find love.  It’s bachelorette season!  Last night the new season kicked off with a two-hour premiere that seemed to go by a lot faster than the three-hour marathon before the start of Chris’s season of The Bachelor.  If you haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, or even if you have, I highly suggest checking out Juliet Litman’s interview with the two ladies.  Despite what it looked like in the past, Kaitlyn and Britt seem to genuinely like each other, and Britt comes across as dramatically less annoying when she isn’t crying over Chris ever 15 seconds.  That being said, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover so let’s get started with the limo introductions.

Before the men arrive Chris Harrison tells the women the men will decide which of them is selected as The Bachelorette.  Britt with her trademark upbeat personality is accepting of this twist, and feels the process will still be successful.  Kaitlyn on the other hand just looks pissed, and her response after Britt finishes talking is, “yea, we’re very different people.” After a few more words of encouragement from Chris Harrison is time for the guys to arrive.  Initially production show’s a lot of support for #TeamBritt, most likely to try and throw off all the spoilers for the last few months that have Kaitlyn being the winner of this love battle.  There were far fewer crazy stunts coming out of the limo than in past seasons, probably due to the time crunch of having to talk to both girls.  JJ brought and hockey puck and told Kaitlyn he’d love to “puck” her, which she thought was hilarious.   Joe brought a jar of moonshine, and Justin, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear brought balloons and took a shot of helium before chatting Kaitlyn up.  After meeting Shawn B. who literally swept Britt off her feet before turning to Kaitlyn and saying that she was his reason for coming, Kaitlyn runs into the house to say see the guys for a second and my new found good feelings towards Britt went out the door.  Britt complains that Kaitlyn going inside of unfair and “cheating.”  Question for Britt: Why didn’t you just run in after her?  Britt should know by now that all’s fair in love, war, and crazy reality shows where desperate people fight for screen time in an effort to find love (or an acting contract).

The big drama of the night is Ryan M. and his level of intoxication.  Aside from the rape joke, which was clearly in bad taste, and one of the only times I really believed he was wasted, I kind of liked Ryan.  Most of the things he said were funny, and it seems pretty clear he came on this show to be the funny, crazy guy on night one and not because he actually wanted to marry Britt or Kaitlyn.  Unfortunately for Ryan, Chris Harrison catches wind of the fact that someone might not be there for “the right reasons,” and he gets an early ride out of the mansion and back to the junkyard.  (Ryan M. listed his profession as junkyard specialist, in case anyone missed that in his bio).

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The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 2

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I’m back to break down all the worthy information about the remaining fella’s that will be battling for the chance to maybe briefly date Britt or Kaitlyn in real life.  I’m currently running about 3 hours behind schedule for when I was going to start today’s post, so let’s get right into the guys.

Joe

Name: Joe

Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Columbia, KY
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: None
All-time favorite movies: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, The Blind Side, American Sniper
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression: As someone who has easily seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation more than 50 times, I can appreciate Joe’s fondness for it.  However, as much as I love watching that squirrel run around the house, there is very little chance I’m listing Christmas Vacation as one of my top 3 all-time favorite movies.  In response to where he sees himself in five years Joe replied: “Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.”  I like the honesty here, a less sincere person could have gone for a response that involved being married to Britt or Kaitlyn.

Jonathan

Name: Jonathan

Age: 33
Occupation: Automotive Spokesman
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Tattoos: Yes
Favorite musical artists: Sam Smith, Snoop Dogg, Makonnen
Biggest date fear: For a woman to have bad breath

First Impression:  Jonathan considers himself romantic because he always tries to attend to a woman’s needs, and “not just in the bedroom” either.  He also wants to be mentored by Warren Buffett, so it seems like Jonathan is a great all around catch with big aspirations for himself.  Side note: Do we know if Britt brushes her teeth regularly?  We know she’s not a fan of showering, but I think we missed out on the rest of her hygiene routine.  If her brushing is as questionable as her showering Jonathan’s date fear could be coming true.

Josh

Name:  Josh

Age: 27
Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Height: 6’0″
Tattoos: Yes
All-time favorite movies: Mystic River, Selma, Wolf of Wall Street
Biggest date fear: She will have bad breath

First Impression:  Josh lists his occupation as law student/exotic dancer, however later in his bio he lists graduating from law school as his greatest accomplishment in life.  Something isn’t adding up here.  Also who would hire a lawyer that moonlights as an exotic dancer.  I think Josh possibly dresses up in judges robes as part of his exotic dancing routine, and decided to just say he went to law school.  In response to what marriage means to him Josh said: “It means you can no longer think about or consult only yourself. She is a part of you and you have to act accordingly.”  This sounds like the words of a guy who has not always acted “accordingly.”

Joshua

Name:  Joshua

Age: 31
Occupation: Industrial Welder
Hometown: Kuna, ID
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: Nine
All-time favorite movies: Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, The Hangover
Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow

First Impression:  Based on his biggest date fear I’m assuming Joshua’s mom is a little overbearing, and protective of her son.  She must not be too protective though because somehow he ended up with those nine tattoos.  Joshua says being married means “finding that one person that God had tailor-made just for me.”  Yep, that’s definitely Britt or Kaitlyn, made just for you, and the 24 other guys you’ll be competing against.

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Name:  Justin

Age: 28
Occupation: Fitness Trainer
Hometown: Naperville, IL
Height: 5’11”
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Limitless, Goodfellas, The Big Lebowski
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression:  If Justin could be someone else for just one day he would be someone from a less privileged area or country because he feels it would be an “eye-opening/humbling experience.”  It’s hard for a fitness instructor bro to possibly image not living in his super privileged world, he would need to experience it first hand to understand what not being so awesome is like.  Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on Justin, but there is something about that answer that just rubbed me the wrong way.

Alright, not gonna lie, I’m just getting tired, so I’m going to wrap things up for today.  Check back Sunday evening for the remaining guys, and be sure to tune in Monday for the premiere of The Bachelorette.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments:  Feel free to contact me via email: SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter: @NoOneGoesToClev

The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 1

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First off, my apologies for being woefully absent from the blogging world the last couple of months.  As I stated in a previous post, a new position at work has given me a lot less time to sit and rehash the reality television programming we all know and love.  Also, in my defense the last couple of months have kind of been a wasteland on the reality tv front, after a lot of rich content this winter.  The good news is that the spring of our reality tv discontent is coming to an end with the return of The Bachelorette this coming Monday (5/18).  To get us excited about the shows return ABC released the bios of all the fellas who will be competing for the chance to briefly date either Kaitlyn or Britt.  The is a lot of guys to cover, so many in fact that I’m planning to do this over a couple of days, so let’s not waste anymore time and get right into the guys.  (Side note before I begin.  I fully admit this is a ripoff of The Right Reason’s podcast which covers this same topic.  This year Juliet and Jacoby did a live taping of their breakdown of all the new guys, and I highly recommend you check out their assessment as well.  After reading this of course).

The Guys

Ben H

Name: Ben H.

Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman
Hometown: Denver, CO
Height: 6’4″
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: The Sandlot, Crash, 500 Days of Summer
Biggest date fear: Eating something that doesn’t agree with me and then sitting through the entire date fighting a stomach ache.

First Impression:  Following the women from the last season of The Bachelor, many of the guys vying for Kaitlyn and Britt’s hearts are terrified are some sort of stomach ailment during a date.  While this would certainly be shitty, pun intended, it certainly doesn’t seem like the worst thing that could happen.  My personal biggest date fear has always been being kidnapped and murdered.  Granted this seems like a pretty unlikely scenario to happen while filming The Bachelorette with all the camera’s around, but in the real world it’s a totally legitimate fear and much more terrifying than a bathroom situation. (This fear also may be part of why I don’t date much).  My other big takeaway from Ben is his response to what being married means to him.  His response was: “It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about a commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment.”  Wow, that sounds like a good time.  I’m not sure why anyone who describes marriage this way would actually want to get married, but since there is very little chance of getting married by being on this show it seems like maybe Ben is in the right place for now.

Ben Z

Name: Ben Z.

Age: 26
Occupation: Fitness Coach
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Height: 6’4″
Tattoos: Two
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Gone in 60 Seconds, Wedding Crashers
Biggest date fear: Falling for someone that doesn’t feel the same way

First Impression:  At first I liked this Ben a lot better than the other one.  His first date fear is legit, he describes marriage as finding he can share his life with and “have a blast while doing it,” and he lists his mom (who seems to have passed away) as the person he would most like to have lunch with because he would take any extra second he could have with her.  For most of his bio Ben Z. seems like a tall, good-looking, nice guy, but right at the end their was something concerning.  In response to the most outrageous thing he’s ever done, he responds by saying he is working on this, as he used to be “pretty reserved or calculated.”  Something using calculated there sets off alarm bells for me.  Ben is either a jerk pretending to be a nice guy, or he’s trying to become the next Bachelor (or I’m completely overreacting and he’s just a super fella).

Bradley

Name: Bradley

Age: 25
Occupation: International Auto Shipper
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Wolf of Wall Street, Will Ferrell movies, Rainman
Biggest date fear: Someone who can’t handle or understand my sarcasm

First Impression:  For the most part Bradley seems pretty dull.  I do however appreciate his date fear, as someone with a dry/sarcastic sense of humor this is a fear I have anytime I’m interacting with new people.  According to his bio Bradley was an all-american division one tennis player.  Doesn’t Andi play tennis?  If things don’t work out with Britt or Kaitlyn maybe Bradley can go back to Atlanta and find love with the former Bachelorette.

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Becca May be a Pod Person and Feminism Takes a Hit (The Bachelor Finale Recap)

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It’s over.  After the classic three-hour “drama” filled marathon, another season of The Bachelor is behind us.  Despite Chris Harrison’s attempts to make us believe otherwise, this was one of the least dramatic finale’s in the shows history.  The biggest reason for the lack of drama was Becca, who is an emotionless pod person from another planet, hoping to conquer us by mating with our farmers and taking over our food production.  It’s either that or Becca is basically the only sane, logical woman to ever come on this show.  Not only was Becca not in love with Chris before she got out of the limo the first night, (unlike most of the other women on the show) she still wasn’t sure she was in love with him heading into a maybe proposal in a freezing cold barn in Iowa.  Becca’s inability to confirm that she was in love with Chris made the decision fairly simple.  You don’t want to be The Bachelor who picks the woman who “just wasn’t into you” per Jimmy Kimmel.  Not only does Becca not shed a tear while Chris is breaking up with her, she also stays emotionless during the limo ride away, and during the After The Final Rose special.  I’ve probably never liked Becca more than I did last night, even if she is  a pod person, she seems like a very logical one, and the planet could probably use some new rulers anyways.

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A Bad Night For Dips (The Bachelorette Episode 1 Recap)

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It’s time for another season of The Bachelorette!  This season features Desiree Hartsock, an early favorite from Sean’s season of The Bachelor who faded at the end and finished in fourth place in the competition for Sean’s affection.  Desiree was a fan favorite who was also selected based on having the ideal combination of sluttiness and substance that this show aims for.

The primary focus of this week’s recap is going to be an introduction to the guys who will be competing for Desiree’s heart.  I’m going to cover the beginning and end of the episode briefly, but I’ll cover most of the episode through the introduction to the guys.

To start the episode we see Desiree roll up to her new Malibu mansion in a small silver sedan that seems like it’s on the verge of breaking down.  (I feel fairly confident the noises were added by production, and that Desiree wasn’t actually driving a car that was about to bite the dust).  Luckily for Des, she is presented with the keys to a new teal colored Bentley convertible.  (Does she get to keep that car? If so, I think that makes up for any heart-break you may suffer during your time on the show).  Before we get to the guys we need to get in some top quality love story clichés, courtesy of The Bachelorette.  We get a montage on Desiree chasing seagulls down a beach, and frolicking around town, and get to hear her say she feels like Cinderella .

Now with the re-introduction to Desiree out-of-the-way, let’s meet the guys:

(I’m going to be making reference to the guys profiles on ABC a lot, here’s the link if you want to read them for yourself)

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Sean Tells Us Very Little (A Recap of The Bachelor: Sean Tells All)

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Last night ABC aired a special Sean Tells All episode of The Bachelor.  Sticking with his reputation as “the boring bachelor” there were no real bombshells in this special.  In fact I think the highlight for me was all the tweets they aired in the opening segment requesting Sean to appear shirtless (stay classy bachelor producers).  So not a ton of new stuff to share from this special, but I’ll recap some of the parts that stood out to me.

Desiree’s Departure:

They decide to start with the most recent events, discussing the ouster of Desiree from this past Monday night.  The only really interesting tidbit from this segment was the airing of a clip of Sean and Desiree’s brother speaking at the beginning of the night.  In the clip Desiree’s brother is friendly and tells Sean he can tell he’s a good dude.  Their second interaction is a huge departure from these early pleasantries, and after seeing both videos it looks like Desiree’s parents will have to deal with a bipolar son in addition to a heartbroken daughter.

Sending Sarah Home:

Sean says he decided to send Sarah home after they shared a kiss during the trip to Canada.  Sean said he felt no passion and realized he didn’t feel the connection with Sarah that he did with the other women.  So basically she got home for being a shitty kisser, you should really practice this stuff before you come on The Bachelor so these situations can be avoided.

Tierra Time:

Sean reaffirms that he was duped by Tierra, and if he had seen what the other women saw he would have sent her home much earlier.  It’s still not clear how he missed it when all the other women kept telling him what she was doing, and he walked in on one of the fights.  Apparently Sean really just tries to see the best in people, or he just really wanted to sleep with Tierra still, either way.  The highlight of this segment is Tierra admitting to the other women that she was flirting with a guy in the airport, and not understanding what’s wrong with that.

Bonus Footage:

-In addition to telling Sean more than once she wanted to tie him up, Ashley P. (50 Shades of Gray) also told him the same story about her mother being in love with him three times.  I really wish Sean had kept her longer, it’s always fun to have a drunk in the house.

-We learn why Sean is so fond of Catherine: She’s very flexible.  During their date in Canada Catherine displays her flexibility by squeezing into the wheel well of the snow bus.  Always a good skill to show a potential husband.

The special ends with footage of Sean taking a shower while porno-ish music plays in the background.  Props to The Bachelor producers for knowing their audience.  Sure this also pleased all the fans who’s tweets were shown at the beginning of the special with requests for Sean to take his shirt off.  See you tomorrow for a recap of this weeks episode of Survivor, and next Tuesday to go over what goes down when Sean gets the women in the fantasy suite.

I Miss Tierra Already (The Bachelor Week 7 Recap)

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It’s home town dates week on The Bachelor! In this weeks episode Sean will be visiting with the families of the four remaining women (Desiree, AshLee, Catherine, and Lindsay).  These dates can be a make or break for the women, and lets the audience know who may be hating their family for the rest of their lives.  First up for the home town dates is AshLee.

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AshLee’s date starts out with some one on one time for her and Sean.  They spend their

time frolicking in a meadow with AshLee’s little dog, and Sean gets the opportunity to learn some more about the parents he’s about to meet.  When they get to the house AshLee’s parents want to know what they’ve been up to since the show started.  AshLee tells them about the polar bear plunge, and then inexplicably decides to tell her parents that she and Sean had a romantic time rolling around in the sand in St. Croix.  I Probably wouldn’t have picked this first meeting as the time to fill my parents in on my romantic times, but that’s just me.  ( Of course I probably would have gone with never as the time I’d give my parents this info, but that’s just me again).  Later on, after spending one on one time with both of AshLee’s parents the group comes back together, and AshLee’s father tells the story of the first time he met her.  He says he felt an instant connection when the woman from the foster care agency introduced them, and he fell in love with AshLee right away.  Her father goes on to say the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with AshLee will have to feel that same kind of love for her.  Luckily for Sean he probably will only be spending a year tops with AshLee, so he doesn’t have to worry too much if his feelings for her aren’t that strong.  Overall the time with AshLee’s family is pretty dull.  (It would have been much more exciting if her birth parents had made a surprise appearance, disappointed The Bachelor couldn’t make that happen).  One take away from this home town visit: AshLee seems to have fallen the hardest of any of the women (lots of talk of love coming out of her).  If she isn’t the “winner” at the end AshLee could have a meltdown of epic proportions, or in reality television words, ratings gold.

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Listen All Y’all, It’s a Sabotage (The Bachelor Week 6 Recap)

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I said at the end of last week’s recap that I probably wouldn’t be posting until Wednesday because of a change in my work schedule.  However, I realized earlier today that with the help of modern television, I would be able to get the post up tonight.  I’m sure you all can barely contain your excitement at this turn of events, so without further ado, let’s get on with the dates. This evenings episode is taking place in the actually exotic St. Croix in the Virgin Islands (as opposed to the not so exotic Montana and Canada from last weeks episodes).  The ladies arrive at their new hotel and quickly start working out rooming assignments.  Except of course for Tierra, who opts for a pull-out cot in a sitting room over rooming with any of the other women (I’m sure the women were all super bummed out).  First up is a one on one date for Ashlee, or “the cougar” as Tierra calls her to the other women.  I didn’t know you could qualify as a cougar at 32 these days, especially when the male in the relationship is 29.  I’d say if Ashlee is a cougar in this situation then  Sean is definitely robbing the cradle if he goes for Tierra (or Lindsay) since they are only 24.  But anyways, that’s enough cougar talk, lets head out on the date.

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Tierra-ist Spotted In Canada (The Bachelor Week 5 Recap, Part 2)

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And we’re back with part 2 of the super special Monday AND Tuesday bachelor extravaganza.  Sean and the ladies have left exotic Montana, and have now moved on to Lake Louise in the Canadian rocky mountains.  As a result of all the drama (between the women and Tierra) that occurred in Montana, Sean is feeling a little down about this whole process.  Sean was left thinking his wife might not be in this group at the end of Monday nights episode. (She’s actually definitely not here but Sean apparently isn’t ready to accept that just yet).  Following the dreaded two on one date during Monday’s episode, we head back to the regular format for tonight’s show with two one on one dates and a group date.  First up the first one on one date with Catherine.

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For their date Sean takes Catherine to play on a glacier.  As it turns out it’s not that much fun to play on a glacier, especially when it’s snowing and windy.  I’m going to skip this part of the date like I’m sure Sean and Catherine wish they could have, and head right for the evening portion.  (The only interesting thing we learned in this part of the date was that Catherine hasn’t had hot chocolate since she was like 4, not winning any points with that tidbit).  During the evening portion of the date Sean takes Catherine on a carriage ride to an ice castle.  While they are riding over Catherine says, (in voice over) “I’ve realized you can’t go any day without experiencing life to the fullest.” ( I just want to pause for a moment to take issue with this statement.  I know from personal experience you can definitely not experience life to the fullest on any given day, I do it all the time.  For example to write this blog I watch every episode of The Bachelor twice, if that’s not living life to the fullest I don’t know what is.)  Later in the evening Sean asks Catherine to tell him something he doesn’t know about her, this leads Catherine to come out with a fascinating story.  A girl was killed by a tree falling on her right in front of Catherine when she was 12 years old (while she was at summer camp).  She says this taught her things can be taken from you very quickly (ok got that part).  The part Catherine loses my with is this experience teaching her she wanted a family, and a partner to share her life with.  I feel like this story is like when you’re writing a research paper and you have some supporting evidence that doesn’t quite fit your thesis but you try to just use it anyways.  Props to Catherine for trying though, Sean seemed happy with her sharing the story, and it gets her a rose.

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