Olivia is Great at Sympathy: The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

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Last night was the first time this season I’ve been able to watch The Bachelor during it’s original airing, and I was reminded that the show might be the longest two hours in television without the advantages of dvr to skip through commercials/long stretches where nothing really happens (aka Ben and Lauren B’s date).  That being said, I did basically make it through the whole episode, (minus the parts I missed while I was watching basketball) and thought I’d share my thoughts on a pretty average third episode.

The first one on one date of the evening went to norm-core flight attendant Lauren B, one of the two remaining Lauren’s out of the original four on this season.  Ben (aka production) decides the best date for a flight attendant is a private plane ride (I’m sure she misses work).  The date basically consists of Ben and Lauren making out while flying over the Bachelor mansion in a biplane, and then landing to spend some time in the Kevin Hart hot tub now conveniently located in the middle of a field.  The pair then moves on to dinner where we learn that Lauren loves her dad, and her dad loves lawn care.  I’m not nearly as into Lauren as Ben is.  According to her ABC bio Lauren loves warm weather, Titanic, and her guiltiest pleasure is brunch with mimosa’s, in other words Lauren is a basic bitch.

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Kaitlyn Wins…the opportunity to be slut-shamed by a large group of men for the next 10 weeks (The Bachelorette Premiere Part 2 Recap)

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Last night confirmed what essentially everyone already knew, Kaitlyn is officially the newest Bachelorette.  After leaving us with a cliffhanger on Monday night Chris Harrison got right down to delivering the news to the women, and by right to I mean he drew it out for as long as possible, and threw in some Ryan Seacrest-y teasing, for Kaitlyn before letting her know Britt was sent home.  Sidenote:  They basically have to have two bachelors next season, right?  I mean that’s the only way this doesn’t look completely misogynistic and wrong.  I am anxiously awaiting the reveal during the After the FInal Rose special this season.  But anyways, let’s keep this ball rolling because  we’ve still got to break the news to the guys, and much to Kaitlyn’s surprise, there’s still a rose ceremony to contend with.

With Kaitlyn being announced as the bachelorette, the pressure moves on to the guys to impress her.  This task proves to be particularly daunting for the #TeamBritt guys who are now faced with the fact that their choice is no longer in the house.  But just because their dream wife just left in a limo doesn’t mean these guys shouldn’t stick around to get their 15 minutes of fame.  The only guys, who admitted to Kaitlyn they were hoping for Britt were Jared, who then proceeded to make his case for staying, and Brady who decided half way through the rose ceremony that he needed to bow out and go chase Britt down at her hotel.  Tony is especially upset, as he puts it there is “only one drinking fountain” that all the guys are now lined up at, and he might need to just go back home and “dig his own well.”  (It’s becoming more and more clear all the time why Tony is still on the market).

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As always, it appears that some of these people are not here for “the right reasons” The Bachelorette Premiere Part 1 Recap

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The weather is turning warmer, flower’s are blooming, this can only mean one thing.  It’s time to lock yourself inside and watch hours and hours of desperate people trying to find love.  It’s bachelorette season!  Last night the new season kicked off with a two-hour premiere that seemed to go by a lot faster than the three-hour marathon before the start of Chris’s season of The Bachelor.  If you haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, or even if you have, I highly suggest checking out Juliet Litman’s interview with the two ladies.  Despite what it looked like in the past, Kaitlyn and Britt seem to genuinely like each other, and Britt comes across as dramatically less annoying when she isn’t crying over Chris ever 15 seconds.  That being said, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover so let’s get started with the limo introductions.

Before the men arrive Chris Harrison tells the women the men will decide which of them is selected as The Bachelorette.  Britt with her trademark upbeat personality is accepting of this twist, and feels the process will still be successful.  Kaitlyn on the other hand just looks pissed, and her response after Britt finishes talking is, “yea, we’re very different people.” After a few more words of encouragement from Chris Harrison is time for the guys to arrive.  Initially production show’s a lot of support for #TeamBritt, most likely to try and throw off all the spoilers for the last few months that have Kaitlyn being the winner of this love battle.  There were far fewer crazy stunts coming out of the limo than in past seasons, probably due to the time crunch of having to talk to both girls.  JJ brought and hockey puck and told Kaitlyn he’d love to “puck” her, which she thought was hilarious.   Joe brought a jar of moonshine, and Justin, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear brought balloons and took a shot of helium before chatting Kaitlyn up.  After meeting Shawn B. who literally swept Britt off her feet before turning to Kaitlyn and saying that she was his reason for coming, Kaitlyn runs into the house to say see the guys for a second and my new found good feelings towards Britt went out the door.  Britt complains that Kaitlyn going inside of unfair and “cheating.”  Question for Britt: Why didn’t you just run in after her?  Britt should know by now that all’s fair in love, war, and crazy reality shows where desperate people fight for screen time in an effort to find love (or an acting contract).

The big drama of the night is Ryan M. and his level of intoxication.  Aside from the rape joke, which was clearly in bad taste, and one of the only times I really believed he was wasted, I kind of liked Ryan.  Most of the things he said were funny, and it seems pretty clear he came on this show to be the funny, crazy guy on night one and not because he actually wanted to marry Britt or Kaitlyn.  Unfortunately for Ryan, Chris Harrison catches wind of the fact that someone might not be there for “the right reasons,” and he gets an early ride out of the mansion and back to the junkyard.  (Ryan M. listed his profession as junkyard specialist, in case anyone missed that in his bio).

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The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 2

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I’m back to break down all the worthy information about the remaining fella’s that will be battling for the chance to maybe briefly date Britt or Kaitlyn in real life.  I’m currently running about 3 hours behind schedule for when I was going to start today’s post, so let’s get right into the guys.

Joe

Name: Joe

Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Columbia, KY
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: None
All-time favorite movies: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, The Blind Side, American Sniper
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression: As someone who has easily seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation more than 50 times, I can appreciate Joe’s fondness for it.  However, as much as I love watching that squirrel run around the house, there is very little chance I’m listing Christmas Vacation as one of my top 3 all-time favorite movies.  In response to where he sees himself in five years Joe replied: “Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.”  I like the honesty here, a less sincere person could have gone for a response that involved being married to Britt or Kaitlyn.

Jonathan

Name: Jonathan

Age: 33
Occupation: Automotive Spokesman
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Tattoos: Yes
Favorite musical artists: Sam Smith, Snoop Dogg, Makonnen
Biggest date fear: For a woman to have bad breath

First Impression:  Jonathan considers himself romantic because he always tries to attend to a woman’s needs, and “not just in the bedroom” either.  He also wants to be mentored by Warren Buffett, so it seems like Jonathan is a great all around catch with big aspirations for himself.  Side note: Do we know if Britt brushes her teeth regularly?  We know she’s not a fan of showering, but I think we missed out on the rest of her hygiene routine.  If her brushing is as questionable as her showering Jonathan’s date fear could be coming true.

Josh

Name:  Josh

Age: 27
Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Height: 6’0″
Tattoos: Yes
All-time favorite movies: Mystic River, Selma, Wolf of Wall Street
Biggest date fear: She will have bad breath

First Impression:  Josh lists his occupation as law student/exotic dancer, however later in his bio he lists graduating from law school as his greatest accomplishment in life.  Something isn’t adding up here.  Also who would hire a lawyer that moonlights as an exotic dancer.  I think Josh possibly dresses up in judges robes as part of his exotic dancing routine, and decided to just say he went to law school.  In response to what marriage means to him Josh said: “It means you can no longer think about or consult only yourself. She is a part of you and you have to act accordingly.”  This sounds like the words of a guy who has not always acted “accordingly.”

Joshua

Name:  Joshua

Age: 31
Occupation: Industrial Welder
Hometown: Kuna, ID
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: Nine
All-time favorite movies: Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, The Hangover
Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow

First Impression:  Based on his biggest date fear I’m assuming Joshua’s mom is a little overbearing, and protective of her son.  She must not be too protective though because somehow he ended up with those nine tattoos.  Joshua says being married means “finding that one person that God had tailor-made just for me.”  Yep, that’s definitely Britt or Kaitlyn, made just for you, and the 24 other guys you’ll be competing against.

justin

Name:  Justin

Age: 28
Occupation: Fitness Trainer
Hometown: Naperville, IL
Height: 5’11”
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Limitless, Goodfellas, The Big Lebowski
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression:  If Justin could be someone else for just one day he would be someone from a less privileged area or country because he feels it would be an “eye-opening/humbling experience.”  It’s hard for a fitness instructor bro to possibly image not living in his super privileged world, he would need to experience it first hand to understand what not being so awesome is like.  Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on Justin, but there is something about that answer that just rubbed me the wrong way.

Alright, not gonna lie, I’m just getting tired, so I’m going to wrap things up for today.  Check back Sunday evening for the remaining guys, and be sure to tune in Monday for the premiere of The Bachelorette.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments:  Feel free to contact me via email: SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter: @NoOneGoesToClev

Becca May be a Pod Person and Feminism Takes a Hit (The Bachelor Finale Recap)

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It’s over.  After the classic three-hour “drama” filled marathon, another season of The Bachelor is behind us.  Despite Chris Harrison’s attempts to make us believe otherwise, this was one of the least dramatic finale’s in the shows history.  The biggest reason for the lack of drama was Becca, who is an emotionless pod person from another planet, hoping to conquer us by mating with our farmers and taking over our food production.  It’s either that or Becca is basically the only sane, logical woman to ever come on this show.  Not only was Becca not in love with Chris before she got out of the limo the first night, (unlike most of the other women on the show) she still wasn’t sure she was in love with him heading into a maybe proposal in a freezing cold barn in Iowa.  Becca’s inability to confirm that she was in love with Chris made the decision fairly simple.  You don’t want to be The Bachelor who picks the woman who “just wasn’t into you” per Jimmy Kimmel.  Not only does Becca not shed a tear while Chris is breaking up with her, she also stays emotionless during the limo ride away, and during the After The Final Rose special.  I’ve probably never liked Becca more than I did last night, even if she is  a pod person, she seems like a very logical one, and the planet could probably use some new rulers anyways.

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Never Count your Chicks Before They’re Hatched (The Bachelor Fantasy Dates Week Recap)

 

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…Especially when you’re in a temple in Bali surrounded by chickens on your quest for “forever love” with a corn farmer from Iowa and his two other girlfriends.

There’s good news reality tv show friends, I’m back!!  After almost a year absence I’ve decided to return to the blogging game.  I’d been considering coming back for while, these past few months have been full of reality tv action, but it took having a virgin in the fantasy suite to finally push me over the edge.  I probably won’t be posting quite as regularly as I used to, but I’m happy to be back, and look forward to sharing my thoughts with you all.  Now that I’ve got that out-of-the-way, let’s jump right in and exploring one of the greatest weeks in reality programming, fantasy suites week on The Bachelor.

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Well that was an Awkward Mess (The Bachelor Finale and After the Final Rose Recap)

BACK ROW: NIKKI, KATHERINE, CHRISTINE H., LAUREN S., KELLY, CASSANDRA, ALLISON, LAUREN H., AMY L., MAGGIE; MIDDLE ROW: AMY J., CHRISTINE L., CHANTAL, SHARLEEN, KYLIE, LACY, LUCY, VICTORIA, ASHLEY; FRONT ROW: ANDI, RENEE, DANIELLE, ALEXIS, JUAN PABLO GAL

Aye yi yi, Juany Pabs what are you doing?  Last night the loveable latino single dad continued his trek down the path to being the most hated bachelor of all time.  I want to give Juan Pablo at least a little bit of the benefit of the doubt, and say that the language barrier still may be playing a role in making him come across so poorly on television (also the edit by producers is obviously effecting our view of him).  I guess like Nikki and Clare heading into the final rose ceremony a part of me still wants to believe that I wasn’t dooped into thinking Juany Pabs was a good guy.  Like all the other viewers along for this journey, I’ve logged a lot of hours with this years bachelor, and it’s disappointing to get to the end only to realize he may just be an insensitive jerk.  In his defense he has no obligation to be in love with Nikki or Clare or anyone else from this show.  Not many people are going to find “Forever Love” in a group of 27 members of the opposite sex, even if they were hand selected for you (as is evidenced by the lack of lasting couples from this franchise).  The issue is, for a guy who has constantly played up his honesty throughout the season, Juan Pablo really didn’t come across as very honest or sincere in the shows closing moments.  Rather than admitting to loving, or not loving Nikki, Juan Pablo kept insisting the information was private.  Honestly I thought their relationship looked a lot like the one between Jenna and Jay on the current season of The Real World, where one person (Jenna or Nikki) is saying “I love you,” and the other person refuses to say it back, but still feels they are part of a happy, healthy relationship.  In Jay’s case a big part of the reason he refuses to say the words is because he just isn’t interested in being in a committed relationship, and Juan Pablo kind of seems to feel the same way (he did ask to keep both women at one point during the finale).  After taking the season long journey with Juan Pablo and Nikki I just can’t see this couple working out, and last night did nothing to quell any doubts about their future.  Last night did however put an ending on one of the most awkward, and yes, as Chris Harrison would say, dramatic, seasons in the history of The Bachelor, with that in mind let’s talk about what happened last night.

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The Ladies are Definitely Not Team Juan Pablo (The Bachelor The Women Tell All Recap)

BACK ROW: NIKKI, KATHERINE, CHRISTINE H., LAUREN S., KELLY, CASSANDRA, ALLISON, LAUREN H., AMY L., MAGGIE; MIDDLE ROW: AMY J., CHRISTINE L., CHANTAL, SHARLEEN, KYLIE, LACY, LUCY, VICTORIA, ASHLEY; FRONT ROW: ANDI, RENEE, DANIELLE, ALEXIS, JUAN PABLO GAL

If last nights special taught us one thing it’s that most of the “ladies” from this season are not big fans of Juany Pabs.  It’s can’t be a good sign for Juan Pablo when two of the three women making an effort to defend him are women who left the show of their own accord (Sharleen and Andi).  The women echoed Andi’s parting sentiment that Juan Pablo didn’t seem interested in them, and never really tried to get to know them on a deeper level.  The only person who didn’t bash Juan Pablo’s interest in them was Sharleen, she said she found him to be quite “curious” about her and the world around them (of course she is the panda in a room full of brown bears, so obviously he was more curious about her than the other girls).  Last nights Women Tell All special didn’t really tell us a lot we didn’t already know, (other than just how many women from the cast seem to be harboring sour grapes towards Juan Pablo) but I’ll cover the highlights here anyways.

-Man, The Bachelor is excited that Sean and Catherine got married, and even more excited that they’ve now had sex.  The show apparently thinks we’re really into Sean and Catherine’s relationship too because they trot them out to tell us all about their honeymoon.

-All we really find out during this visit with America’s favorite couple is that Sean’s “fireworks” aren’t as explosive as he may think, and he’s already gotten some side action from a stingray.

-I think Andi did a good job summing up Juan Pablo’s intentions on the show when she said he was there to find a girlfriend whereas most of the women were there to find a husband.  This helps to explain why many women felt they never got beyond surface level conversations, and also explains the fact that Juan Pablo doesn’t seem remotely close to marrying either Nikki or Clare.

-You know these women really aren’t big fans of Juan Pablo when they all defend Clare and say she did nothing wrong during the romp in the ocean in Vietnam.  The women all agree the hot tub hook up during the date was more upsetting and that was Juan Pablo’s idea not Clares’.

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Andi Would Like Everyone to Know that Things Are Not “OK” (The Bachelor Episode 9 Recap)

BACK ROW: NIKKI, KATHERINE, CHRISTINE H., LAUREN S., KELLY, CASSANDRA, ALLISON, LAUREN H., AMY L., MAGGIE; MIDDLE ROW: AMY J., CHRISTINE L., CHANTAL, SHARLEEN, KYLIE, LACY, LUCY, VICTORIA, ASHLEY; FRONT ROW: ANDI, RENEE, DANIELLE, ALEXIS, JUAN PABLO GAL

 

Last night was night number two of this week’s bachelor extravaganza.  Last night was the “fantasy suite” episode, usually one of the most anticipated episodes of the season for all involved parties, and I’m happy to say that last nights episode didn’t disappoint.  Ok, so actually like 90% of it was pretty dull and disappointing, but the realization by Andi that Juan Pablo is actually a mimbo who speaks very little English and their ensuing argument made up for all the other boring things that happened.  In fact since that was the only interesting thing, that’s all I’m really going to talk about here.  So now here are my take aways from the epic argument between Juan Pablo and Andi (with a touch of Clare and Nikki at the end just so they don’t feel left out).

-Andi finally realized that Juan Pablo knows nothing about her, and doesn’t really seem to want to.  In other words Andi just realized that Juan Pablo has no idea what she’s been saying this entire time, and he can’t have a long conversation because he barely speaks English.

-While I think most of Andi’s issues with Juan Pablo were completely legitimate, I have to question her being upset about him mentioning the overnight with Clare.  Is talking about the other women with the bachelor a taboo?  I think it seems weird to never acknowledge their existence, but maybe that’s what you have to do to get past how ridiculous the show your on is.

-There clearly wasn’t a lot of action in the fantasy suite between Andi and Juan Pablo because she has obviously had some time to put together her case against him.  I would say that Andi went from being borderline in love to hating Juany Pabs in the course of a single night.

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I Guess Nikki was Right about Clare’s Family (The Bachelor Episode 8 Recap)

BACK ROW: NIKKI, KATHERINE, CHRISTINE H., LAUREN S., KELLY, CASSANDRA, ALLISON, LAUREN H., AMY L., MAGGIE; MIDDLE ROW: AMY J., CHRISTINE L., CHANTAL, SHARLEEN, KYLIE, LACY, LUCY, VICTORIA, ASHLEY; FRONT ROW: ANDI, RENEE, DANIELLE, ALEXIS, JUAN PABLO GAL

 

For anyone who hasn’t been satisfied with just two hours of The Bachelor every week, this time around we get four.  Last night Juan Pablo went and saw the ladies hometowns, and to the surprise of absolutely no one sent Renee packing at the end of the show.  (He wouldn’t even kiss her on camera because he claimed to be worried about what her son would think, so the fantasy suite probably would have been a little dull for these two).  Once again I am in a bit of a time crunch this week due to real life responsibilities, so I’m just going to share a few observations from each of the hometown dates, and then rest up so tomorrow I can be ready to recap what goes “horribly wrong” in the fantasy suite during tonight’s episode.

Hometown Date #1: Nikki in Kansas City

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-Despite being better at eating barbecue and riding a mechanical bull than she expected, Nikki still isn’t ready to drop the L-word on Juany Pabs.  (I kind of thought she already told him she loved him a week or two ago, but maybe she just said “I’m falling in love with you” and I got confused).

-We learned during dinner that the bachelor/bachelorette rides first class when they are flying overseas while their suitors are stuck back in coach. (I guess they really want to make sure connections between cast members are only made during official dates).

-We learned tonight that Juan Pablo likes to talk with his hands when he is nervous.  His hands were flying all over the place during his sit downs with the fathers, probably to try to hide the fact that he doesn’t speak a ton of English.

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