Olivia is Great at Sympathy: The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

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Last night was the first time this season I’ve been able to watch The Bachelor during it’s original airing, and I was reminded that the show might be the longest two hours in television without the advantages of dvr to skip through commercials/long stretches where nothing really happens (aka Ben and Lauren B’s date).  That being said, I did basically make it through the whole episode, (minus the parts I missed while I was watching basketball) and thought I’d share my thoughts on a pretty average third episode.

The first one on one date of the evening went to norm-core flight attendant Lauren B, one of the two remaining Lauren’s out of the original four on this season.  Ben (aka production) decides the best date for a flight attendant is a private plane ride (I’m sure she misses work).  The date basically consists of Ben and Lauren making out while flying over the Bachelor mansion in a biplane, and then landing to spend some time in the Kevin Hart hot tub now conveniently located in the middle of a field.  The pair then moves on to dinner where we learn that Lauren loves her dad, and her dad loves lawn care.  I’m not nearly as into Lauren as Ben is.  According to her ABC bio Lauren loves warm weather, Titanic, and her guiltiest pleasure is brunch with mimosa’s, in other words Lauren is a basic bitch.

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Bitter Banana’s The Challenge Bloodlines “Blood is Thicker than Mud” Recap

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Is this the least likable version of Johnny Banana’s since The Island, is Aneesa the lamest lesbian ever?  Have Thomas and Cara Maria been murder by Ab yet? I’m making my triumphant (and possibly very brief) return to discuss all these topics and maybe more as I break down the latest episode of The Challenge: Bloodlines.

On last night’s episode of The Challenge we saw Johnny Banana’s screw over yet another member of his seriously dwindling alliance.  Banana’s comes up with the always controversial plan for the red team to throw this week’s mission in an attempt to place nemesis Cara Maria in an elimination round and hopefully send her home.  (Although honestly what girl on the red team could possibly beat Cara Maria in an elimination, getting rid of Jamie, Cara’s cousin seems like the much easier plan).  After the blue team puts in a fairly poor performance in a challenge that is essentially just crossing a cargo net over a big pit of water, Johnny puts his plan into place.  Johnny decides he and Anthony, his new bff will both fall, and in a particularly dirty move, essentially rips Rianna off the cargo net so she falls as well.  Banana’s lets himself fall immediately, but Anthony really goes for the academy award, putting up a long struggling battle before letting himself drop just before the finish line.  Despite their best attempts to take longer on the challenge,(both teams lost three players) the red team still claims victory over the lowly blue team.

Following their loss the blue team must decide which female player they will select for the elimination round.  The vote comes down to Kelly Anne and Jenna, and with the deciding vote Mitch inexplicably decides to send Jenna in instead of Kelly Anne.  (Someone really needs to help Corey and Mitch out, it’s never a good idea to help Banana’s alliance when you have no alliance yourselves).  However it doesn’t really end up mattering that her own team didn’t send her in, because moments later the red team votes to send Kelly Anne in as the second participant in the elimination round.  The “shocker” (if we can call it that at this point) is that Banana’s goes along with his team and votes in Kelly Anne, despite his supposed alliance with her cousin Anthony.  This is the second time this season Banana’s has not only done nothing to defend a “friend,” but has only personally thrown them in to the elimination round.  Obviously the betrayal of Nany, someone who has seemingly been close to Banana’s for years, was much more egregious than what he did to Anthony this week, but both were underhanded moves.  While Banana’s offered Nany some weak excuse about his girlfriend from home, and not wanting to look like he was favoring Nany too much, I feel like maybe this is just a return to the Banana’s of old.  The past few seasons we had seen a kinder, gentler Johnny Banana’s.  That fact ultimately came back to bite him last season when he was out played by Sarah and ended up going home just before the final.  I was left wondering if Sarah’s betrayal (which I personally greatly enjoyed) has turned Banana’s back into his old self, AKA the Banana’s from The Island that screwed over Paula, and essentially refused to feed any of the girls in response to limited food rations.  Whatever is happening with Banana’s this season, it doesn’t seem good for his game in the long run.   With the elimination of Kelly Anne and Anthony last night essentially the last piece of Banana’s alliance is off the show.

Speaking of alliances, let’s step away from Banana’s for second and talk about Aneesa, who could be in every alliance or no alliances at this point as far as I can tell.  I want to start out by saying I’ve always liked Aneesa, (actually I didn’t like her much on her original season of The Real World, but since then I’ve liked her) that being said I have no idea what is going on with her this season.  Aneesa, who until this season I was pretty sure was a pretty full time lesbian, ended up falling for Corey, who I’m pretty sure is a full time douche.  Corey just does not seem to be a nice guy.  Aneesa is the third woman we’ve seen him with on television, ans he’s basically treated them all like crap.  I get that he’s good looking, but come on Aneesa, he’s basically put you on blast every chance he’s gotten for the past couple of episodes and you still seem to have his back.  Corey pulled a Banana’s and went out of his way to vote for Aneesa this week when he easily could’ve just gone along with the rest of his team and voted for Kelly Anne.  I’m begging you Aneesa, get over this lame crush and put Corey in his place, and get back to being the lovable lesbian you’ve always been.

Following the departure of Kelly Anne and Anthony it’s unclear where things will go from here this season.  Cara Maria seems to be in a good place to finally get her first victory with a solid alliance of her cousin Jamie and Abram and his brother Mike.  It seems like things didn’t really turn south for Cara and Ab until they got back home, and possibly until they went on The After Show last week.  It will also be interesting to see what decision’s Jenna and her cousin make, as they are yet another team that feels betrayed by Banana’s.  (Side note, I really love Jenna, I don’t even know why really, but she’s usually good for at least one good one-liner each episode and she’s kind of a lovable underdog.  Unfortunately I think she could have some trouble when Zach shows up this season).  While I don’t know the outcome of this season, based on things I’ve picked up during The After Show, it seems like Banana’s might have burned too many bridges to pull off a victory this year.  Could we be seeing the end of Banana’s reign on The Challenge?  Could this be the year Cara Maria finally claims victory?  Could Abram maim the entire cast and cause the final to be cancelled?  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  I hope to be back next week to talk more about The Challenge, and possibly get into some Bachelor talk, but not making any promises, see you next time.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments: I can be reached on Twitter @NoOneGoesToClev

 

Sean Tells Us Very Little (A Recap of The Bachelor: Sean Tells All)

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Last night ABC aired a special Sean Tells All episode of The Bachelor.  Sticking with his reputation as “the boring bachelor” there were no real bombshells in this special.  In fact I think the highlight for me was all the tweets they aired in the opening segment requesting Sean to appear shirtless (stay classy bachelor producers).  So not a ton of new stuff to share from this special, but I’ll recap some of the parts that stood out to me.

Desiree’s Departure:

They decide to start with the most recent events, discussing the ouster of Desiree from this past Monday night.  The only really interesting tidbit from this segment was the airing of a clip of Sean and Desiree’s brother speaking at the beginning of the night.  In the clip Desiree’s brother is friendly and tells Sean he can tell he’s a good dude.  Their second interaction is a huge departure from these early pleasantries, and after seeing both videos it looks like Desiree’s parents will have to deal with a bipolar son in addition to a heartbroken daughter.

Sending Sarah Home:

Sean says he decided to send Sarah home after they shared a kiss during the trip to Canada.  Sean said he felt no passion and realized he didn’t feel the connection with Sarah that he did with the other women.  So basically she got home for being a shitty kisser, you should really practice this stuff before you come on The Bachelor so these situations can be avoided.

Tierra Time:

Sean reaffirms that he was duped by Tierra, and if he had seen what the other women saw he would have sent her home much earlier.  It’s still not clear how he missed it when all the other women kept telling him what she was doing, and he walked in on one of the fights.  Apparently Sean really just tries to see the best in people, or he just really wanted to sleep with Tierra still, either way.  The highlight of this segment is Tierra admitting to the other women that she was flirting with a guy in the airport, and not understanding what’s wrong with that.

Bonus Footage:

-In addition to telling Sean more than once she wanted to tie him up, Ashley P. (50 Shades of Gray) also told him the same story about her mother being in love with him three times.  I really wish Sean had kept her longer, it’s always fun to have a drunk in the house.

-We learn why Sean is so fond of Catherine: She’s very flexible.  During their date in Canada Catherine displays her flexibility by squeezing into the wheel well of the snow bus.  Always a good skill to show a potential husband.

The special ends with footage of Sean taking a shower while porno-ish music plays in the background.  Props to The Bachelor producers for knowing their audience.  Sure this also pleased all the fans who’s tweets were shown at the beginning of the special with requests for Sean to take his shirt off.  See you tomorrow for a recap of this weeks episode of Survivor, and next Tuesday to go over what goes down when Sean gets the women in the fantasy suite.

Tierra-ist Spotted In Canada (The Bachelor Week 5 Recap, Part 2)

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And we’re back with part 2 of the super special Monday AND Tuesday bachelor extravaganza.  Sean and the ladies have left exotic Montana, and have now moved on to Lake Louise in the Canadian rocky mountains.  As a result of all the drama (between the women and Tierra) that occurred in Montana, Sean is feeling a little down about this whole process.  Sean was left thinking his wife might not be in this group at the end of Monday nights episode. (She’s actually definitely not here but Sean apparently isn’t ready to accept that just yet).  Following the dreaded two on one date during Monday’s episode, we head back to the regular format for tonight’s show with two one on one dates and a group date.  First up the first one on one date with Catherine.

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For their date Sean takes Catherine to play on a glacier.  As it turns out it’s not that much fun to play on a glacier, especially when it’s snowing and windy.  I’m going to skip this part of the date like I’m sure Sean and Catherine wish they could have, and head right for the evening portion.  (The only interesting thing we learned in this part of the date was that Catherine hasn’t had hot chocolate since she was like 4, not winning any points with that tidbit).  During the evening portion of the date Sean takes Catherine on a carriage ride to an ice castle.  While they are riding over Catherine says, (in voice over) “I’ve realized you can’t go any day without experiencing life to the fullest.” ( I just want to pause for a moment to take issue with this statement.  I know from personal experience you can definitely not experience life to the fullest on any given day, I do it all the time.  For example to write this blog I watch every episode of The Bachelor twice, if that’s not living life to the fullest I don’t know what is.)  Later in the evening Sean asks Catherine to tell him something he doesn’t know about her, this leads Catherine to come out with a fascinating story.  A girl was killed by a tree falling on her right in front of Catherine when she was 12 years old (while she was at summer camp).  She says this taught her things can be taken from you very quickly (ok got that part).  The part Catherine loses my with is this experience teaching her she wanted a family, and a partner to share her life with.  I feel like this story is like when you’re writing a research paper and you have some supporting evidence that doesn’t quite fit your thesis but you try to just use it anyways.  Props to Catherine for trying though, Sean seemed happy with her sharing the story, and it gets her a rose.

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An Escape to Exotic Montana (The Bachelor Week 5 Recap)

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The Bachelor two night extravaganza kicked off last night with Sean taking the eleven remaining ladies on a get away to exotic Montana.  Did Sean mention any of his interests to the producers before the show started, because this isn’t the group of girls I would take on a trip to the wilderness.  This just helps to solidify my theory that Sean has a fetish for dates that make the girls uncomfortable.  This weeks episodes will feature a one on one date, a group date, and the dreaded two on one date where the girl who doesn’t receive a rose is sent home immediately.  First up is a one on one date with Lindsay.

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