Last night was the first time this season I’ve been able to watch The Bachelor during it’s original airing, and I was reminded that the show might be the longest two hours in television without the advantages of dvr to skip through commercials/long stretches where nothing really happens (aka Ben and Lauren B’s date). That being said, I did basically make it through the whole episode, (minus the parts I missed while I was watching basketball) and thought I’d share my thoughts on a pretty average third episode.
The first one on one date of the evening went to norm-core flight attendant Lauren B, one of the two remaining Lauren’s out of the original four on this season. Ben (aka production) decides the best date for a flight attendant is a private plane ride (I’m sure she misses work). The date basically consists of Ben and Lauren making out while flying over the Bachelor mansion in a biplane, and then landing to spend some time in the Kevin Hart hot tub now conveniently located in the middle of a field. The pair then moves on to dinner where we learn that Lauren loves her dad, and her dad loves lawn care. I’m not nearly as into Lauren as Ben is. According to her ABC bio Lauren loves warm weather, Titanic, and her guiltiest pleasure is brunch with mimosa’s, in other words Lauren is a basic bitch.
It’s over. After the classic three-hour “drama” filled marathon, another season of The Bachelor is behind us. Despite Chris Harrison’s attempts to make us believe otherwise, this was one of the least dramatic finale’s in the shows history. The biggest reason for the lack of drama was Becca, who is an emotionless pod person from another planet, hoping to conquer us by mating with our farmers and taking over our food production. It’s either that or Becca is basically the only sane, logical woman to ever come on this show. Not only was Becca not in love with Chris before she got out of the limo the first night, (unlike most of the other women on the show) she still wasn’t sure she was in love with him heading into a maybe proposal in a freezing cold barn in Iowa. Becca’s inability to confirm that she was in love with Chris made the decision fairly simple. You don’t want to be The Bachelor who picks the woman who “just wasn’t into you” per Jimmy Kimmel. Not only does Becca not shed a tear while Chris is breaking up with her, she also stays emotionless during the limo ride away, and during the After The Final Rose special. I’ve probably never liked Becca more than I did last night, even if she is a pod person, she seems like a very logical one, and the planet could probably use some new rulers anyways.
…Especially when you’re in a temple in Bali surrounded by chickens on your quest for “forever love” with a corn farmer from Iowa and his two other girlfriends.
There’s good news reality tv show friends, I’m back!! After almost a year absence I’ve decided to return to the blogging game. I’d been considering coming back for while, these past few months have been full of reality tv action, but it took having a virgin in the fantasy suite to finally push me over the edge. I probably won’t be posting quite as regularly as I used to, but I’m happy to be back, and look forward to sharing my thoughts with you all. Now that I’ve got that out-of-the-way, let’s jump right in and exploring one of the greatest weeks in reality programming, fantasy suites week on The Bachelor.
Aye yi yi, Juany Pabs what are you doing? Last night the loveable latino single dad continued his trek down the path to being the most hated bachelor of all time. I want to give Juan Pablo at least a little bit of the benefit of the doubt, and say that the language barrier still may be playing a role in making him come across so poorly on television (also the edit by producers is obviously effecting our view of him). I guess like Nikki and Clare heading into the final rose ceremony a part of me still wants to believe that I wasn’t dooped into thinking Juany Pabs was a good guy. Like all the other viewers along for this journey, I’ve logged a lot of hours with this years bachelor, and it’s disappointing to get to the end only to realize he may just be an insensitive jerk. In his defense he has no obligation to be in love with Nikki or Clare or anyone else from this show. Not many people are going to find “Forever Love” in a group of 27 members of the opposite sex, even if they were hand selected for you (as is evidenced by the lack of lasting couples from this franchise). The issue is, for a guy who has constantly played up his honesty throughout the season, Juan Pablo really didn’t come across as very honest or sincere in the shows closing moments. Rather than admitting to loving, or not loving Nikki, Juan Pablo kept insisting the information was private. Honestly I thought their relationship looked a lot like the one between Jenna and Jay on the current season of The Real World, where one person (Jenna or Nikki) is saying “I love you,” and the other person refuses to say it back, but still feels they are part of a happy, healthy relationship. In Jay’s case a big part of the reason he refuses to say the words is because he just isn’t interested in being in a committed relationship, and Juan Pablo kind of seems to feel the same way (he did ask to keep both women at one point during the finale). After taking the season long journey with Juan Pablo and Nikki I just can’t see this couple working out, and last night did nothing to quell any doubts about their future. Last night did however put an ending on one of the most awkward, and yes, as Chris Harrison would say, dramatic, seasons in the history of The Bachelor, with that in mind let’s talk about what happened last night.
If last nights special taught us one thing it’s that most of the “ladies” from this season are not big fans of Juany Pabs. It’s can’t be a good sign for Juan Pablo when two of the three women making an effort to defend him are women who left the show of their own accord (Sharleen and Andi). The women echoed Andi’s parting sentiment that Juan Pablo didn’t seem interested in them, and never really tried to get to know them on a deeper level. The only person who didn’t bash Juan Pablo’s interest in them was Sharleen, she said she found him to be quite “curious” about her and the world around them (of course she is the panda in a room full of brown bears, so obviously he was more curious about her than the other girls). Last nights Women Tell All special didn’t really tell us a lot we didn’t already know, (other than just how many women from the cast seem to be harboring sour grapes towards Juan Pablo) but I’ll cover the highlights here anyways.
-Man, The Bachelor is excited that Sean and Catherine got married, and even more excited that they’ve now had sex. The show apparently thinks we’re really into Sean and Catherine’s relationship too because they trot them out to tell us all about their honeymoon.
-All we really find out during this visit with America’s favorite couple is that Sean’s “fireworks” aren’t as explosive as he may think, and he’s already gotten some side action from a stingray.
-I think Andi did a good job summing up Juan Pablo’s intentions on the show when she said he was there to find a girlfriend whereas most of the women were there to find a husband. This helps to explain why many women felt they never got beyond surface level conversations, and also explains the fact that Juan Pablo doesn’t seem remotely close to marrying either Nikki or Clare.
-You know these women really aren’t big fans of Juan Pablo when they all defend Clare and say she did nothing wrong during the romp in the ocean in Vietnam. The women all agree the hot tub hook up during the date was more upsetting and that was Juan Pablo’s idea not Clares’.
Last night was night number two of this week’s bachelor extravaganza. Last night was the “fantasy suite” episode, usually one of the most anticipated episodes of the season for all involved parties, and I’m happy to say that last nights episode didn’t disappoint. Ok, so actually like 90% of it was pretty dull and disappointing, but the realization by Andi that Juan Pablo is actually a mimbo who speaks very little English and their ensuing argument made up for all the other boring things that happened. In fact since that was the only interesting thing, that’s all I’m really going to talk about here. So now here are my take aways from the epic argument between Juan Pablo and Andi (with a touch of Clare and Nikki at the end just so they don’t feel left out).
-Andi finally realized that Juan Pablo knows nothing about her, and doesn’t really seem to want to. In other words Andi just realized that Juan Pablo has no idea what she’s been saying this entire time, and he can’t have a long conversation because he barely speaks English.
-While I think most of Andi’s issues with Juan Pablo were completely legitimate, I have to question her being upset about him mentioning the overnight with Clare. Is talking about the other women with the bachelor a taboo? I think it seems weird to never acknowledge their existence, but maybe that’s what you have to do to get past how ridiculous the show your on is.
-There clearly wasn’t a lot of action in the fantasy suite between Andi and Juan Pablo because she has obviously had some time to put together her case against him. I would say that Andi went from being borderline in love to hating Juany Pabs in the course of a single night.
For anyone who hasn’t been satisfied with just two hours of The Bachelor every week, this time around we get four. Last night Juan Pablo went and saw the ladies hometowns, and to the surprise of absolutely no one sent Renee packing at the end of the show. (He wouldn’t even kiss her on camera because he claimed to be worried about what her son would think, so the fantasy suite probably would have been a little dull for these two). Once again I am in a bit of a time crunch this week due to real life responsibilities, so I’m just going to share a few observations from each of the hometown dates, and then rest up so tomorrow I can be ready to recap what goes “horribly wrong” in the fantasy suite during tonight’s episode.
Hometown Date #1: Nikki in Kansas City
-Despite being better at eating barbecue and riding a mechanical bull than she expected, Nikki still isn’t ready to drop the L-word on Juany Pabs. (I kind of thought she already told him she loved him a week or two ago, but maybe she just said “I’m falling in love with you” and I got confused).
-We learned during dinner that the bachelor/bachelorette rides first class when they are flying overseas while their suitors are stuck back in coach. (I guess they really want to make sure connections between cast members are only made during official dates).
-We learned tonight that Juan Pablo likes to talk with his hands when he is nervous. His hands were flying all over the place during his sit downs with the fathers, probably to try to hide the fact that he doesn’t speak a ton of English.
My real life responsibilities have once again interfered with my fantasy life blogging. Based on that fact, and on this week’s episode being another trip to Snoozeville, I’ll be doing an abbreviated version of this weeks recap of The Bachelor. This week marked the final dates before the hometown dates, but Juan Pablo must have been confused because he brought the women to his hometown of Miami a couple of weeks early. In a move that really shouldn’t have surprised anyone, since she has been considering it essentially since day one, Sharleen decided that she and Juan Pablo just didn’t have the intellectual connection that she needed. Sharleen was given the first one-on-one date this week, and hoped that she would finally find the deeper connection she had been looking for all season, but the date turned into one make out session after another, and Sharleen decided she would stop wasting everyone’s time and pack her bags. I’ll miss Sharleen, it was nice to finally have a woman on one of these shows who wasn’t head over heels in love before she even met the bachelor in person. Sharleen is one of the few people in the history of this series to realize that the whole process is kind of weird and not really a good way to meet your soul mate. (Of course Sharleen also agreed to come on the show to begin with, so I’m not giving her too much credit).
The other lady headed home just shy of hometown dates was Chelsie. Chelsie seemed like a funny perky girl who might be fun to hang out with, but after a while her act got pretty old, both for me and seemingly for Juan Pablo. Maybe if Chelsie had been more willing to “dive headlong into love” during her one-on-one date with Juany Pabs things would have turned out differently, sadly for her we’ll never know. Chelsie and Juan Pablo never built a real connection, and it’s felt like she could be headed home anytime now for weeks.
This week, just to change things up, the producer’s decided to bring Juan Pablo and the ladies to “the perfect place to fall in love,” this week that place just happens to be New Zealand. (Does anyone else feel like they are going to more interesting places this year? During Sean’s season one of the places they went was Montana. No offense Montana, but you aren’t really stacking up with the globe-trotting they are doing this season). We are down to eight ladies vying for Juan Pablo’s heart, and with all of the long shots eliminated last week this will be the most interesting rose ceremony we’ve had this season. Mostly the rose ceremony will be interesting because it’s still very unclear who Juan Pablo is really connecting with the most, (kind of feels like nobody) so let’s get into this week’s dates and see if the we can get a better idea of who might be briefly engaged to Juan Pablo.
The first date this week is a one-on-one and it goes to the only person who hasn’t had an individual date yet, Andi. Both Clare and Cassandra express surprise that Andi got the first one-on-one. I’m not sure why Clare was surprised though, she should have learned last week that Juan Pablo loves playing a fair game. For the first part of their date Juan Pablo takes Andi to a place called “the squeeze.” In another attempt to get one of his harem to prove that they trust him, Juan Pablo leads Andi through a very tight corridor of boulders to a waterfall (as a bonus they have to wade through very cold water while making their way through “the squeeze.” The waterfall at the end is beautiful and after providing several make out scenes worthy of a cheesy romance novel it’s time to move on to the dinner portion of the date. I know I’ve said it before but they really need to get rid of the dinner portion of these dates with Juan Pablo. This week with Andi there is even less conversation than normal as their talk is interrupted by the geyser they are sitting next to going off and spraying them with water. All we learn is that Andi is on the show because she wants to find love and start a family, just like every other woman who has ever been on one of these shows (exception Sharleen, it’s not entirely clear why she came on the show). Luckily for Andi it doesn’t take much to impress Juan Pablo, and even though they basically couldn’t converse at all during their dinner she still gets a rose and will be safe for another week.
And we’re back with another thrilling episode of The Bachelor! Ok, so actually this week was a little dull, (again) but we’re going to talk about it anyways gosh darn it! This week the ladies and Juan Pablo continue their tour of Asia with a stop in Vietnam (I really hope Clare managed to buy a kimono somewhere before this stop). This week is sticking with the regular format of two one-on-one dates and a group date, the first date belongs to Renee so let’s get started.
Renee and Juan Pablo’s date is a Bachelor classic, just walking around a foreign city looking at stuff. To make this date even more fun it’s apparently extremely hot, as both Renee and Juan Pablo are sweating through their shirts. The pair get a custom dress made for Renee, (by a woman who spoke less English than Juan Pablo) get yelled at by a street vendor while trying to get some mango, and then enjoy an extremely hot (temperature wise) dinner together. During dinner the couple discusses their children (aka the one thing they have in common) and Juan Pablo blows on Renee’s face to try to cool her off. Having someone blow in my face is not a method I’ve ever used to cool off, and personally I didn’t think it looked too effective. To end the night Juan Pablo and Renee put lanterns in the river after making a wish. Renee, who still hasn’t been kissed by Juany Pabs says that is her wish. Juan Pablo shuts Renee down again however, using the logic that he doesn’t want Renee’s son Ben to be upset with him. Don’t feel too bad for Renee though, she gets a rose and finally gets her kiss later in the episode.