Kaitlyn Wins…the opportunity to be slut-shamed by a large group of men for the next 10 weeks (The Bachelorette Premiere Part 2 Recap)

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Last night confirmed what essentially everyone already knew, Kaitlyn is officially the newest Bachelorette.  After leaving us with a cliffhanger on Monday night Chris Harrison got right down to delivering the news to the women, and by right to I mean he drew it out for as long as possible, and threw in some Ryan Seacrest-y teasing, for Kaitlyn before letting her know Britt was sent home.  Sidenote:  They basically have to have two bachelors next season, right?  I mean that’s the only way this doesn’t look completely misogynistic and wrong.  I am anxiously awaiting the reveal during the After the FInal Rose special this season.  But anyways, let’s keep this ball rolling because  we’ve still got to break the news to the guys, and much to Kaitlyn’s surprise, there’s still a rose ceremony to contend with.

With Kaitlyn being announced as the bachelorette, the pressure moves on to the guys to impress her.  This task proves to be particularly daunting for the #TeamBritt guys who are now faced with the fact that their choice is no longer in the house.  But just because their dream wife just left in a limo doesn’t mean these guys shouldn’t stick around to get their 15 minutes of fame.  The only guys, who admitted to Kaitlyn they were hoping for Britt were Jared, who then proceeded to make his case for staying, and Brady who decided half way through the rose ceremony that he needed to bow out and go chase Britt down at her hotel.  Tony is especially upset, as he puts it there is “only one drinking fountain” that all the guys are now lined up at, and he might need to just go back home and “dig his own well.”  (It’s becoming more and more clear all the time why Tony is still on the market).

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As always, it appears that some of these people are not here for “the right reasons” The Bachelorette Premiere Part 1 Recap

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The weather is turning warmer, flower’s are blooming, this can only mean one thing.  It’s time to lock yourself inside and watch hours and hours of desperate people trying to find love.  It’s bachelorette season!  Last night the new season kicked off with a two-hour premiere that seemed to go by a lot faster than the three-hour marathon before the start of Chris’s season of The Bachelor.  If you haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, or even if you have, I highly suggest checking out Juliet Litman’s interview with the two ladies.  Despite what it looked like in the past, Kaitlyn and Britt seem to genuinely like each other, and Britt comes across as dramatically less annoying when she isn’t crying over Chris ever 15 seconds.  That being said, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover so let’s get started with the limo introductions.

Before the men arrive Chris Harrison tells the women the men will decide which of them is selected as The Bachelorette.  Britt with her trademark upbeat personality is accepting of this twist, and feels the process will still be successful.  Kaitlyn on the other hand just looks pissed, and her response after Britt finishes talking is, “yea, we’re very different people.” After a few more words of encouragement from Chris Harrison is time for the guys to arrive.  Initially production show’s a lot of support for #TeamBritt, most likely to try and throw off all the spoilers for the last few months that have Kaitlyn being the winner of this love battle.  There were far fewer crazy stunts coming out of the limo than in past seasons, probably due to the time crunch of having to talk to both girls.  JJ brought and hockey puck and told Kaitlyn he’d love to “puck” her, which she thought was hilarious.   Joe brought a jar of moonshine, and Justin, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear brought balloons and took a shot of helium before chatting Kaitlyn up.  After meeting Shawn B. who literally swept Britt off her feet before turning to Kaitlyn and saying that she was his reason for coming, Kaitlyn runs into the house to say see the guys for a second and my new found good feelings towards Britt went out the door.  Britt complains that Kaitlyn going inside of unfair and “cheating.”  Question for Britt: Why didn’t you just run in after her?  Britt should know by now that all’s fair in love, war, and crazy reality shows where desperate people fight for screen time in an effort to find love (or an acting contract).

The big drama of the night is Ryan M. and his level of intoxication.  Aside from the rape joke, which was clearly in bad taste, and one of the only times I really believed he was wasted, I kind of liked Ryan.  Most of the things he said were funny, and it seems pretty clear he came on this show to be the funny, crazy guy on night one and not because he actually wanted to marry Britt or Kaitlyn.  Unfortunately for Ryan, Chris Harrison catches wind of the fact that someone might not be there for “the right reasons,” and he gets an early ride out of the mansion and back to the junkyard.  (Ryan M. listed his profession as junkyard specialist, in case anyone missed that in his bio).

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The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 2

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I’m back to break down all the worthy information about the remaining fella’s that will be battling for the chance to maybe briefly date Britt or Kaitlyn in real life.  I’m currently running about 3 hours behind schedule for when I was going to start today’s post, so let’s get right into the guys.

Joe

Name: Joe

Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Columbia, KY
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: None
All-time favorite movies: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, The Blind Side, American Sniper
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression: As someone who has easily seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation more than 50 times, I can appreciate Joe’s fondness for it.  However, as much as I love watching that squirrel run around the house, there is very little chance I’m listing Christmas Vacation as one of my top 3 all-time favorite movies.  In response to where he sees himself in five years Joe replied: “Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.”  I like the honesty here, a less sincere person could have gone for a response that involved being married to Britt or Kaitlyn.

Jonathan

Name: Jonathan

Age: 33
Occupation: Automotive Spokesman
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Tattoos: Yes
Favorite musical artists: Sam Smith, Snoop Dogg, Makonnen
Biggest date fear: For a woman to have bad breath

First Impression:  Jonathan considers himself romantic because he always tries to attend to a woman’s needs, and “not just in the bedroom” either.  He also wants to be mentored by Warren Buffett, so it seems like Jonathan is a great all around catch with big aspirations for himself.  Side note: Do we know if Britt brushes her teeth regularly?  We know she’s not a fan of showering, but I think we missed out on the rest of her hygiene routine.  If her brushing is as questionable as her showering Jonathan’s date fear could be coming true.

Josh

Name:  Josh

Age: 27
Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Height: 6’0″
Tattoos: Yes
All-time favorite movies: Mystic River, Selma, Wolf of Wall Street
Biggest date fear: She will have bad breath

First Impression:  Josh lists his occupation as law student/exotic dancer, however later in his bio he lists graduating from law school as his greatest accomplishment in life.  Something isn’t adding up here.  Also who would hire a lawyer that moonlights as an exotic dancer.  I think Josh possibly dresses up in judges robes as part of his exotic dancing routine, and decided to just say he went to law school.  In response to what marriage means to him Josh said: “It means you can no longer think about or consult only yourself. She is a part of you and you have to act accordingly.”  This sounds like the words of a guy who has not always acted “accordingly.”

Joshua

Name:  Joshua

Age: 31
Occupation: Industrial Welder
Hometown: Kuna, ID
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: Nine
All-time favorite movies: Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, The Hangover
Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow

First Impression:  Based on his biggest date fear I’m assuming Joshua’s mom is a little overbearing, and protective of her son.  She must not be too protective though because somehow he ended up with those nine tattoos.  Joshua says being married means “finding that one person that God had tailor-made just for me.”  Yep, that’s definitely Britt or Kaitlyn, made just for you, and the 24 other guys you’ll be competing against.

justin

Name:  Justin

Age: 28
Occupation: Fitness Trainer
Hometown: Naperville, IL
Height: 5’11”
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Limitless, Goodfellas, The Big Lebowski
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression:  If Justin could be someone else for just one day he would be someone from a less privileged area or country because he feels it would be an “eye-opening/humbling experience.”  It’s hard for a fitness instructor bro to possibly image not living in his super privileged world, he would need to experience it first hand to understand what not being so awesome is like.  Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on Justin, but there is something about that answer that just rubbed me the wrong way.

Alright, not gonna lie, I’m just getting tired, so I’m going to wrap things up for today.  Check back Sunday evening for the remaining guys, and be sure to tune in Monday for the premiere of The Bachelorette.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments:  Feel free to contact me via email: SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter: @NoOneGoesToClev

The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 1

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First off, my apologies for being woefully absent from the blogging world the last couple of months.  As I stated in a previous post, a new position at work has given me a lot less time to sit and rehash the reality television programming we all know and love.  Also, in my defense the last couple of months have kind of been a wasteland on the reality tv front, after a lot of rich content this winter.  The good news is that the spring of our reality tv discontent is coming to an end with the return of The Bachelorette this coming Monday (5/18).  To get us excited about the shows return ABC released the bios of all the fellas who will be competing for the chance to briefly date either Kaitlyn or Britt.  The is a lot of guys to cover, so many in fact that I’m planning to do this over a couple of days, so let’s not waste anymore time and get right into the guys.  (Side note before I begin.  I fully admit this is a ripoff of The Right Reason’s podcast which covers this same topic.  This year Juliet and Jacoby did a live taping of their breakdown of all the new guys, and I highly recommend you check out their assessment as well.  After reading this of course).

The Guys

Ben H

Name: Ben H.

Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman
Hometown: Denver, CO
Height: 6’4″
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: The Sandlot, Crash, 500 Days of Summer
Biggest date fear: Eating something that doesn’t agree with me and then sitting through the entire date fighting a stomach ache.

First Impression:  Following the women from the last season of The Bachelor, many of the guys vying for Kaitlyn and Britt’s hearts are terrified are some sort of stomach ailment during a date.  While this would certainly be shitty, pun intended, it certainly doesn’t seem like the worst thing that could happen.  My personal biggest date fear has always been being kidnapped and murdered.  Granted this seems like a pretty unlikely scenario to happen while filming The Bachelorette with all the camera’s around, but in the real world it’s a totally legitimate fear and much more terrifying than a bathroom situation. (This fear also may be part of why I don’t date much).  My other big takeaway from Ben is his response to what being married means to him.  His response was: “It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about a commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment.”  Wow, that sounds like a good time.  I’m not sure why anyone who describes marriage this way would actually want to get married, but since there is very little chance of getting married by being on this show it seems like maybe Ben is in the right place for now.

Ben Z

Name: Ben Z.

Age: 26
Occupation: Fitness Coach
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Height: 6’4″
Tattoos: Two
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Gone in 60 Seconds, Wedding Crashers
Biggest date fear: Falling for someone that doesn’t feel the same way

First Impression:  At first I liked this Ben a lot better than the other one.  His first date fear is legit, he describes marriage as finding he can share his life with and “have a blast while doing it,” and he lists his mom (who seems to have passed away) as the person he would most like to have lunch with because he would take any extra second he could have with her.  For most of his bio Ben Z. seems like a tall, good-looking, nice guy, but right at the end their was something concerning.  In response to the most outrageous thing he’s ever done, he responds by saying he is working on this, as he used to be “pretty reserved or calculated.”  Something using calculated there sets off alarm bells for me.  Ben is either a jerk pretending to be a nice guy, or he’s trying to become the next Bachelor (or I’m completely overreacting and he’s just a super fella).

Bradley

Name: Bradley

Age: 25
Occupation: International Auto Shipper
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Wolf of Wall Street, Will Ferrell movies, Rainman
Biggest date fear: Someone who can’t handle or understand my sarcasm

First Impression:  For the most part Bradley seems pretty dull.  I do however appreciate his date fear, as someone with a dry/sarcastic sense of humor this is a fear I have anytime I’m interacting with new people.  According to his bio Bradley was an all-american division one tennis player.  Doesn’t Andi play tennis?  If things don’t work out with Britt or Kaitlyn maybe Bradley can go back to Atlanta and find love with the former Bachelorette.

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Kind of Exciting Reality TV News Update

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So this weekend I’ve come across a couple of pieces of reality tv news that were just too good (or bad depending on how you want to look at it) to wait to share with all of you.  The first piece of news come courtesy of The Bachelorette.  For those of you who just can’t get enough of Chris Siegfried’s poetry there is great news – his poems are now available for purchase on Amazon.com! The book of poetry is called “Diamonds and Hearts – A Poetic Memoir,” (how appropriate) and right now is only available via digital download, but don’t worry, hard copies will be available soon.  Also, for any of you who really preferred Desiree’s poetry, and are feeling disappointed right now, don’t worry, there are two bonus poems from Des included in the compilation.   I just have a few more thought’s I want to share on this literary masterpiece:

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Quite Possibly the Least Exciting Surprise Ending in History (The Bachelorette Finale Part 2 Recap)

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It’s the live television event of the summer!  At least according to Chris Harrison, and ignoring the fact that basically all summer television is terrible.  After all the drama of last week things were definitely a little more toned down this time around.  Despite the fact that this wasn’t the most thrilling finale, (because there was only one dude left for most of the show) I’m going to plow through and see this season to its bitter end, so let’s get started.

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To start the show this week we still have a Des that looks like this.  The seemingly crushed Desiree sits down to have a chat with Chris Harrison, and after first saying she just wants to go home, (in a clip they’ve been teasing all season) Des agrees to stay and test things out with Drew and Chris.

Moving forward, we get to watch the least dramatic rose ceremony in series history.  (Although that didn’t stop them from still putting in several dramatic pauses).  Des tells the guys that Brooks decided to leave, and sort of breezes over the “and he was my favorite part.”  Instead Des opts to tell the guys that despite Brooks departure she has viewed all the relationships individually, and would still like to move forward with them if they want to.

Following the rose ceremony, Des let’s use know that instead of taking the guys to meet her parents, which would normally be the next step, she will be going on regular dates with Drew and Chris to try to determine her feelings for the remaining guys.  Drew’s date is up first, and Des decides to try to impress him by wearing her Pocahontas Halloween costume and taking him horseback riding.

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Well that was Depressing (The Bachelorette Finale Part 1 Recap)

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So last night’s episode of The Bachelorette basically equaled out to one hour of meaningless dates, and one hour of Des and Brooks crying and mumbling.  Last night’s episode also might of set a record for number of times one person said “I love you,” and the other person didn’t say it back.  Overall I’d say last night’s episode was one of the most depressing in the show’s history, but for all those people who are ready to give up on love after seeing things seemingly fail yet again in this franchise, fear not, after last night’s episode aired Des released a glimmer of hope that things will work out on Twitter:

Many people feel this tweet is foreshadowing a surprise return by Brooks during next week’s final rose ceremony.  And let’s face it, Brooks returning is the only way this show isn’t ending with Des standing by herself.  Even if Des did decide she had to pick one of the other remaining guys, there is no way they would stay together after seeing footage of this episode, and realizing that Brooks was her first choice and they just won by default.

I’ve basically summed up the entire episode in these first couple of paragraphs, and I’d kind of like to just call it a day right now, but instead I’ll plow ahead and do the recap, even though I’m going to skip over most of Chris and Drew’s dates because frankly, who cares?

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The Men Tell Surprisingly Little (A Recap of The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All)

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Personally, I hate these the men/women tell all specials.  They’re basically just an excuse by the producers to get people to watch two hours of filler material, and topics that have been beaten to death already during the show.  That being said, I’m obviously not going to spend a ton of time talking about this “special” because it didn’t provide many new things to talk about.  Instead I’m just going to pass on some observations, and then I’m going to start resting up for next week’s fantasy suite episode.

The show goes for the filler material right in the beginning with footage of Des and Chris Harrison visiting viewing parties for the show.  I had a couple of thoughts while I was watching this segment:

1.  Who dresses up this much to watch The Bachelorette?  I usually watch in sweatpants covered in chip crumbs, and I really feel that’s a better representation of “Bachelor Nation.”

2.  Where did they find all the dudes that are at these parties?  Everyone know’s no self-respecting guy watches this show, I think someone paid them to  be there.

3.  Why did they decide to bring along all the former cast members, (Trista, Ashley, J.P, etc) were people not very excited to see just Des?

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A Very Late Recap of The Bachelorette Hometown Dates Episode

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Sadly my vacation is over, the good news is that I’m back in time for the “Men Tell All” special episode of The Bachelorette.  To prepare myself for all the excitement that I’m sure will be going down in tonight’s episode, I’m going to share some thoughts from last week’s hometown date’s show.  I’m not going to get into a full on recap because frankly I don’t really feel like it, and the episode was a week ago, and you guys probably don’t feel like reading a long recap at this point anyways.  So I’m just going to touch on some of my major takeaways from Desiree’s dating tour of America, and then let myself rest up for tonight’s big show.

Hometown Date #1: Zak

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-Zak has totally won me over during the course of this show, but it’s been pretty clear he hasn’t totally won over Desiree, and being up first on this week’s episode just helped to make that fact more obvious.

-Zak decides to open the date by telling Des about a super random dream he has where they melt on the beach, and then eat little pieces of ice that fall from the sky.  (I think this dream was supposed to tie into his families snow-cone business, but this dream was just weird as shit.  It was the kind of dream you should just keep to yourself, not share with a national television audience).

-Basically the whole segment with Zak’s family is just a bummer.  There’s a lot of talk about how they thought he’d never find love again, and how long he’s been waiting for the right person.  Unfortunately for Zak things aren’t going to work out with Des, and despite her practically spelling it out for them, he and his family can’t see it.  The good news for Zak, and all the other rejected guys, is that they’ll have plenty of groupies to find love with after the show ends.

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Des is “on cloud nine” now that she knows the remaining guys are here for the “right reasons” (The Bachelorette episode 7 recap)

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I want to start out this week’s bachelorette post by apologizing for it being a little late.  My every changing work schedule made it impossible to get this out any earlier, but I just wanted to say sorry to anyone who’s been checking back here every 15 minutes to see if it’s up yet.  (I’m pretty sure no one is checking back here that often, but it would be cool if they did, I could go for an obsessed fan or two).  This week we find Des and the guys on the island of Madeira (which is another ideal place to fall in love according to Drew, who could have guessed that one).  After cleaning house last week and booting off three guys, (Kasey, James and Juan Pablo) Des finds herself on the cusp of hometown dates with only five guys remaining.  With only five guys left in competition for Desiree’s heart there will be three one on one dates, and a two on one date.  The producer’s didn’t want fans of the show to get too riled up though, so there will be no roses on the one on one dates, and no mandatory elimination on the two on one.  (So basically everything that would have made this week’s episode exciting and dramatic has been eliminated).  Before we can head off on the dates though the producers have a surprise for us, former cast members from Desiree’s season of The Bachelor are here to give her advice.  The show brought back Catherine and Lesley M., which makes sense as they both did well on Sean’s season, they also bring back Jackie because no one else would agree to come.  The girls gossip, and end up doing a high school year book style list of superlatives about the guys.  Drew does surprisingly well taking home best body and best kisser.  Michael on the other hand does predictably poorly, not earning a mention in any of the televised categories.  After finishing the segment where we pretend girls from The Bachelor remain friends after their season is over, it’s time to head out on the dates.

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